If you’ve found yourself asking, “What if my partner’s adult children don’t like me?” you are not alone. Many people in blended family situations, even in the early stages of dating, experience similar concerns.
Such fears, oftentimes warranted, can stem from various factors. These include past experiences and trauma, unresolved emotions that can spill over to other areas of life, or simple misunderstandings.
Though your situation might appear futile at the moment, there are steps you can take to help facilitate a relationship with your partner’s children, even if they are at first resistant. Read on.
Reflect on their perspective.
Consider the adult children’s feelings and circumstances. For example, they may have legitimate concerns about their parent’s happiness, loyalty, or the potential for change in their family dynamic. You can better address the situation by empathizing with their feelings and seeing their concerns for what they are.
Take, for example, a child who has lost a parent, whether recently or years earlier. They might have trepidation about a new person entering the mix, potentially taking attention away from themselves or their ability to exert control. Though unpleasant to think or talk about, sometimes fears about a parent’s new love interest can stem from financial worries, including what will happen to inheritance.
Whatever their reason for being cautious or resistant to change, it’s important to remember that the adult child’s feelings are legitimate because that is their reality. No one can tell anyone else how to feel. Not to mention, you know who you are, but they don’t.
Set boundaries.
As you would in any other relationship, establish healthy boundaries between yourself and your partner’s adult children. Dong so will involve respecting their space and time with their parent while asserting your needs and expectations in the relationship.
Those needs and expectations might be that you are present at large family gatherings, such as weddings, funerals, and religious celebrations, but not at every outing or meal they share with their parent. Your requirements should also include them showing you respect, which means not going out of their way to be mean to you, turning other family members and friends against you, and deliberately trying to make you feel unwelcome and uncomfortable when you are together.
Communicate openly and honestly.
Enforcing your boundaries in a firm but polite way will require expressing yourself to your partner’s adult children and your partner openly and honestly. To that end, listen to your partner’s adult children’s concerns and respond respectfully, even if they are not as respectful as you had hoped.
Keeping discussions civil will prevent fanning the fire. It will also help you to gain your partner’s support while you are in the presence of their adult children and when you are not. A supportive partner will do their best to keep the peace, ensuring everyone involved feels like they are being heard and having their needs met — as much as is reasonable and realistically possible.
Maintain your relationship with your partner.
Ensure that your relationship with your partner remains solid and loving, as a stable foundation is crucial when dealing with blended family challenges. In other words, if your relationship means something to you, and your partner has demonstrated it means something to them, don’t let their adult children chase you away.
Good relationships are valuable but don’t exist in a bubble, especially later in life when you’ve lived many lives already. The past can sometimes make the present messy, at least for a while. So you must decide what’s worth fighting for and what (or who) is not.
Be patient.
Building trust and rapport with your partner’s adult children can take a long time. In the meantime, do your best to be patient and allow them to get to know you without forcing the fun. No one wants to be told what to do or how to feel.
Focus on common interests.
Try making small suggestions first about ways you can get to know each other better, such as meeting for breakfast or coffee with or without your partner present. In addition, look for shared hobbies or activities you can enjoy together to build connections and foster positive experiences.
Take your cues from your partner’s adult children as they come. Rest assured, you will know how they feel and whether or not they are warming up to you.
Seek professional help.
If tensions remain unresolved and you are feeling upset or unnerved, consider seeking the guidance of a family therapist or counselor to assist you in navigating the situation and provide constructive strategies. Regardless of whether your partner’s children want to partake in therapy with you, going on your own and possibly with your partner can help you sort through the emotions you are experiencing and how the ongoing situation impacts your relationship.
Accept the situation for what it is.
Understand that you may never share the relationship you envision with your partner’s adult children. Managing a relationship with a partner’s adult children differs from managing a relationship with younger ones; adult children can be more set in their ways and unwavering no matter how much effort you put into changing their minds about you.
Not surprisingly, the more you push for a relationship, the more likely you will drive your partner’s adult children away, alienating them further. You also risk alienating your partner, especially if you let your relationship with your partner’s adult children or lack thereof consume you.
Final thoughts …
Don’t let the fear of not being liked by your partner’s adult children hold you back from pursuing and enjoying a fulfilling and lasting relationship with someone you care about and who cares about you. Instead, create harmony in your new family dynamic by fostering a loving environment where everyone feels respected and valued, beginning by taking care of yourself.