Every person in a romantic relationship has needs. These can include a need for open communication, intimacy, sex, and more. However, when one person’s needs in a relationship become overbearing to the other person, it can turn into what’s commonly described as neediness. Neediness is usually considered a negative quality in any close personal relationship, particularly romantic relationships.

While it’s natural to want and need emotional support from a romantic partner, excessive neediness — the desire for constant attention, validation, and reassurance from one’s partner — can have a negative impact on the relationship. Here’s why and what you can do about it.

Reasons neediness turns off romantic partners.

There are numerous reasons why neediness from one partner can turn off the other. Having a better understanding of why a partner may feel uncomfortable when on the receiving end of certain behaviors can serve as the driving force for making positive changes in behavior. The reasons include the following:  

• Lack of confidence. Neediness can be a sign of low self-esteem and a lack of confidence, which can be unattractive to some people and, as a result, have a negative impact on the relationship. More specifically, a needy partner may overly rely on their partner for their self-worth and validation. In a healthy relationship, both partners should have a strong sense of self and be able to stand on their own two feet. 

• Loss of independence. Neediness can make the other person in a relationship feel like they’re losing their independence. They may begin to feel suffocated as a result. This can lead to resentment and a desire to distance themselves from the needy partner. In some cases, this may even lead to the other partner ending the relationship entirely.

• Imbalance of power. A needy partner can create an imbalance of power in the relationship, where one person always gives while the other takes. For example, the needy partner may require constant attention and reassurance. This can create an unsustainable dynamic, leading to the other partner feeling emotionally drained and resentful to the point where they may want to break up. In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel equal in the daily give-and-take, whether it be emotional support and attention or anything else. 

• Pressure and unreasonable demands. Similar to the imbalance of power neediness creates in a relationship, a needy partner can also place pressure and unreasonable demands on the other person to constantly provide emotional support and attention. For example, a needy person may have unrealistic expectations of their partner, expecting them to always be available and attentive. This can be overwhelming to the non-needy partner and cause them to feel frustrated and exhausted since they can never do enough to meet the needy partner’s needs. The constant pressure and demands placed on the other partner can create a toxic dynamic, thereby compromising the relationship.

• Violation of boundaries. Being too needy can lead to the violation of personal boundaries, which is a major turn-off for some people, causing the non-needy partner to pull back. When one partner is overly needy, they may ignore or disregard the other partner’s need for space or time alone, which everyone in a relationship should have. 

Ways to avoid being needy in a relationship.

Avoiding neediness in a relationship requires work in a few areas. The goal should be to create a healthy and fulfilling relationship built on mutual respect and trust. Here are a few ideas for getting started:

• Communicate openly and honestly. Effective communication is critical in any relationship. To that end, be clear about your needs and feelings, but also be willing to listen to your partner. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on your partner, and work together to find a healthy balance.

• Increase self-confidence. One of the best ways to avoid being needy is to work on building your self-confidence. Focus on your strengths and what you have to offer in the relationship. Remind yourself of your positive qualities, and learn to appreciate yourself.

• Practice self-care. I can’t say this enough, so I’ll say it again: Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally is essential to avoiding neediness. To that end, make time for exercise, relaxation, and self-reflection. See friends and family regularly.

• Pursue your passions. Having your own interests and hobbies can help you feel fulfilled and independent. It can also give your partner some space and time to pursue their own interests, too. What does this look like in real terms? Dedicate time to work and pursue a career you love. Engage in activities and hobbies that make you happy and fulfilled.

• Respect your partner’s boundaries. It’s important to respect your partner’s need for space and time alone. To avoid being too demanding or clingy, give your partner the freedom to pursue their own interests and friendships.

• Build a strong support system. Having friends and family to rely on can help you avoid being too dependent on your partner while giving you a source of emotional support outside of the relationship. If you lack in this area, do more to expand your network. Remember, friends are the family you choose.

Final thoughts …

While it’s natural to want and need emotional support from a romantic partner, it’s essential for the health and longevity of any romantic relationship to strike a balance between being supportive and giving the other person space to grow independently. Whether two partners will continue to grow together, no one can predict. But what can be is that neediness does more harm than good.