One of the most common phrases spoken among unmarried single parents who are dating is “Kids come first.” It’s understandable. Parents are responsible for protecting and nurturing their children, especially during their formative years. Also, if parents are divorced, time with their children might be less than what it was when they were married and subject to new time constraints, depending on their custody schedule. As a result, they do their best to maximize quality time by staying present with their children when together, which can look different from parent to parent.  

Deciding how much attention to give to your partner or your children is a personal choice. Some parents may choose not to answer the phone or respond to a text when they have their kids, while others may be more sporadic in their contact. This can be frustrating, particularly if you're a parent who is more comfortable allocating time to contacting or responding to someone you’re dating, even when you have your children with you. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make.  

Things get murky, however, when this conversation involves adult children and how a partner prioritizes them over you. More specifically, at what point do you begin not dropping everything to accommodate your adult children’s non-emergency requests, whims, and demands for your time, especially if being accommodating as you always have been would come at the expense of your partner?  

No doubt, it’s a tricky balance to achieve because (a) you might be accustomed to dropping whatever you’re doing for your children due to habit, and (b) your adult children might be just as accustomed to you dropping everything since you always have. But your partner has a point, despite their understanding that your children will always be your children and that they mean the world to you. Your partner also wants to know they are your priority and that you value time with them enough that you are willing to lay down the line when your children demand attention, whenever and wherever, without considering what you might be doing at that moment.  

If you are a parent of adult children without special needs (parents of special needs or neurodiverse children may have to be more on call) for whom these habits ring true, it is probably time to step back and ask yourself if maybe you should think about whether it’s time to adjust your priorities, given your children’s entrance into adulthood, and give your partner and relationship the attention it deserves. If yes, here are three tips for how to go about doing so while protecting the intimacy of the relationship you share with your partner and the relationships you share with your children.  

Examine your behavior. 

Whether your partner has come to you and expressed their feelings about how you prioritize them versus your children, your children are salty and demanding when you’re with your partner, or you feel torn by the demands of your relationships, examine your role in these situations and what you’re doing or not doing to keep the peace for everyone, most of all you. Be truthful with yourself. 

Then, put yourself in everyone’s shoes. Are they justified in feeling neglected or unheard? Are there any actions you can take to be more evenhanded and protective of your independent time with your family and with your partner? If you’ve been feeling steamrolled, your answer will likely be yes. If it is, those actions must begin with creating and enforcing boundaries around both relationships.  

Create rules around how you will allocate your time and under what circumstances.  

What is your schedule like? Do you have “date night” with your partner on Saturdays or Wednesday nights? Do you both go to bed around 10 p.m.? Do you wake up around 6:30 a.m. to drive your partner to the train? Do you run together each morning? Whatever your schedule with your partner, do your best to keep these times sacred. They are yours and your partner’s alone unless you mutually agree to spend that time in an alternative way.  

The same goes for time you spend with your adult children: regularly scheduled lunches or shopping trips, weekends away, and going to the theater, for example. If you don’t get to see your adult children often but speak to them at certain times of the day or week, honor those commitments as well.  

Obviously, emergencies will come up. In the case of a genuine emergency, all rules go out the window. On the other hand, it’s perfectly fine to still have impromptu visits and conversations. Where issues arise is when adult children, whether becuase they’re clueless or they’re being deliberate, encroach on your time with your partner to the point where it strains your relationship. When this happens, it’s time for a conversation with everyone involved.  

Speak to your adult children and your partner about how you plan to balance your time moving forward.  

Should these interruptions begin occurring frequently, or they have been, it’s time to share some details about your daily schedule with your adult children and how you expect them to respect it. You might be saying to yourself right now that you shouldn’t have to clear your schedule with anyone, let alone your adult kids, but giving them a heads up about when you won’t be available to them can help if they weren’t aware previously. If they were aware but didn’t care, you telling them will provide notice to them about what you expect moving forward. 

Adult children used to getting what they want when they want it might not take kindly to you setting boundaries and become even more irritated if you begin enforcing those boundaries by not jumping every time they say to jump. Do your best to stay true to the boundaries you create and enforce them repeatedly. Think of it as breaking old habits and creating new ones. But recognize change won’t happen overnight.  

Speak with your partner as well about the schedule you plan on keeping, including the time you intend to dedicate to your adult children. Your partner needs to understand your dedication to your children, no matter how young or old they are, and that you intend to give and continue giving them your love, interest, support, and, yes, attention. Your partner should be on board without expressing hostility, resentment, or jealousy. If they can’t be, you might want to consider seeking couples counseling.  

Final thoughts … 

There are only so many hours in the day, so you want to use them to show the people important to you how much you love, value, and care for them. But you don’t want to do it at the expense of yourself and your peacefulness, nor should you have to.  

So, to answer the question, who comes first, a partner or adult children? Both do, depending on when, where, and the circumstances involved, all of which are up to your discretion. Your children might be adults now, but it’s important to remember that you’re an adult, too.