Being told by a member of your partner’s immediate family, especially an adult child, that you are unwelcome at a milestone celebration in honor of that person or a holiday gathering they are hosting can feel like a slap in the face. Although it isn’t your partner who initiated the exclusion, your partner’s behavior afterward often becomes the subject of intense scrutiny as they begin walking the fine line between their loyalty to their adult child and you.  

Figuring out how to proceed next in a way that honors you while preserving their relationship with their daughter or son, which is sure to be strained or further strained by the negative behavior, can be challenging for a partner caught in the middle. Being the perceived subject of the conflict, perceived because there’s often some deeper reason why the adult child has chosen to take the position they have against you, you want to make sure you don’t allow it to strain your relationship with your partner more than it probably is. Here are a few tips for how to not let that happen.  

Discuss the situation with your partner privately.  

Schedule a quiet moment with your partner to share your feelings about being excluded, emphasizing how it impacts you and your relationship. Understandably, you probably have a lot of emotions swirling around in your head, but do your best not to place blame where it doesn’t belong.  

Your partner didn’t create the situation. That said, it is their job to manage it. Allow them the opportunity to do that. Ultimately, it is their decision — and yours — whether you would like to continue in the relationship based on that decision.  

Explore the reasons for the exclusion.  

Ask your partner to help you understand why their adult child is excluding you from their milestone celebration. Consider past conflicts, misunderstandings, or family dynamics that may be contributing to this behavior. 

It is very possible you are merely a pawn in the drama going on and that the adult child is actually treating you badly because they are trying to hurt their parent, are jealous of your relationship with their parent, have negative self-worth, suffer from mental health issues, or some or all of the above. It doesn’t make their ill-treatment of you right, but these explanations can provide some context and a reason for you to brush off behavior that’s a reflection on them, not you.  

Then, of course, there’s the reality that the adult child may just not like you. To which you should say to yourself, “Who cares?” 

Establish relationship guidelines.  

Work with your partner to set clear expectations and boundaries for your involvement in family events so that you are both on the same page about what is acceptable and respectful and what is not. It is very important to be clear about how you feel during this conversation and those on the same subject that follow.  

If you say you are comfortable with a certain outcome when you’re really not, and that outcome comes to pass, you will be resentful. Don’t do that to yourself, your partner, or your relationship. 

Engage a couples counselor if the child’s behavior strains your relationship.  

If the strain is becoming too much, suggest to your partner that you both attend sessions with a couples counselor to address the exclusion issue. A professional can provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings and work toward a resolution.  

Depending on the feelings the exclusion has evoked for you, you may also want to discuss the matter with a therapist individually. Though your friends and family can be a source of support and comfort, they are more likely not to be impartial, which is what you need now to keep your relationship from being compromised by someone else’s actions.  

Create new traditions.  

Plan alternative celebrations for holidays you’re excluded from, such as a special dinner or outing with your partner. For milestone events that your partner cannot in good conscience avoid, like a funeral or a wedding, allow them to figure out a way to play both sides of the fence, meaning honor you and respect their adult child who’s doing the excluding.  

Creating new traditions around holidays and milestone events that you’ve been excluded from can help reframe the negativity. It reinforces your connection and creates positive memories despite the exclusion. 

Recognize that in these types of situations, no one is going to get what they want entirely — not the adult child, not you, and certainly not your partner who’s been put between a rock and a hard place. The thing you don’t want is for your partner to act in a way that will cause them to feel regret later.  

Final thoughts … 

There’s often an irony in a partner’s adult child trying to exclude you; their behavior only draws you and your partner closer together. When an adult child takes a negative position against their parent’s partner, there’s usually a history that doesn’t make the behavior such a surprise. In other words, your partner likely knows what — and whom — they are dealing with. Judging by how your partner handles the situation, you’ll know who you’re dealing with, too.