The secret’s out: Times have changed since your mother and father were single, and so have dating norms. Not always for the better, either. A lot more seems to fly, including bad behavior that some think is not so bad, making it confusing to know what to do in many dating scenarios and when. That includes anything from the time leading up to a first date to after. Long after, and long into a relationship. So, how do you navigate what may seem like the Wild West of dating? I have a few suggestions.   

Figure out what your comfort level is.  

Let’s start with the basics: You can’t control anyone’s behavior except your own. So, if you’re not comfortable with a situation, it’s your prerogative to leave. Simple, right? Well, not always.  

Where situations tend to get murky is when you haven’t been clear with yourself from the get-go about what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. The result is that when something feels not quite right, or you’re not entirely happy (or happy at all) with the behavior of the person you’re dating, you begin to second guess yourself and how you’re feeling. 

Are you justified? Are you being too sensitive? Or will things get better over time? However, when you’ve given thought to your tolerance level around dating, which stems from your value system, these questions become much easier to answer.  

Therefore, my advice before beginning to date is to set boundaries for yourself around dating. That way, if someone does something that would cause you to move them, you’ll be less quick to cave under pressure or feel unsure of your choices.  

Communicate your comfort level openly.  

When you’re clear on your values and what behaviors you expect from someone you’re dating, and you feel you are being reasonable in your decision-making, you will have little trouble communicating them to those you are considering dating and those who you are dating that do something which conflicts with the vision you have of your relationship. As you discuss issues that arise, you will very quickly be able to discern whether a relationship is worth pursuing or the time has come to cut your losses and move on.  

If someone doesn’t want to communicate with you and either shut the conversation down or gaslight you, again, this could be a signal that this relationship is not meant to be. On the other hand, if someone hears you out but isn’t cognizant of how their actions affected you but wants to make the situation right, you may have a good one on your hands. People make mistakes, and people are capable of learning and doing better.  

Recognize that times have changed.  

Not every change in dating norms is for the worse. Numerous changes function to make dating more comfortable for some. Again, this will depend on what people’s value systems are as well as the “rules of engagement’ they have established for themselves. This is particularly evident in deciding who pays for dates and when. 

There is much debate over who pays on a date and under what circumstances, and often, it creates not just conversation but confusion about what to do. Not every heterosexual couple, for example, will want or expect the man to pick up the check on a first date or however many dates, and not every same-sex couple on a date will expect to split the check; they may expect the person who asked for the check to pay. 

The solution to all this confusion? Open communication at the outset of interactions you just aren’t sure about. Though spontaneity is great, sometimes it’s OK to be spontaneous with an “I would like to … but just want to make sure you are comfortable with this.” That way, not only do you reduce the risk of offending someone you don’t know well, but you open up the potential to have a conversation that will enable you to get to know one another better.  

And that’s never a bad thing since it could bring you closer or allow you to move forward without wasting any more of your time. With healthy communication strategies in place, you can’t really go wrong. More than that, by talking it out, you can turn the mirror on yourself to gauge whether some of your previously held notions may have become somewhat outdated and consider amending some of your ideas around dating etiquette to suit the times.  

Final thoughts … 

Dating in an environment where rules around etiquette are less set in stone than they once were can be a positive inasmuch as it allows you and a new partner to shape a relationship that works for the two of you. The beauty of dating is getting to learn about someone else while also learning about yourself, especially how you’ve grown into a person who’s confident, has a lot to offer the right person, and, most of all, knows their value because they know their values.