Breakups can be hard when they first happen and in the following weeks, perhaps months. It’s to be expected whether you were the one to end the relationship or they did. Letting go of hopes and expectations can be a big letdown. 

After taking time to heal, re-evaluate your priorities, and engage in some self-care, people usually begin to emerge from their sadness and embrace the future with positivity. Some, however, don’t ever seem to reach this point, even though they may, at first glance, outwardly be doing everything that indicates they are healed.  

Once you spend time with them for a while, you realize that, in fact, they are not doing as well as they appear and are having trouble moving on from a past relationship. A relationship that doesn’t have to be their most recent relationship, either.  

If you look, the signs are there. They do things like bring their ex up in conversation, talk about them with fervor if someone brings them up in conversation, keep tabs on their life, and secretly hold out hope that their ex will reappear, offering up the relationship they couldn’t or didn’t want to before. The worst part is there’s no time limit for how long a person can remain stuck on an ex. It could be months, years, or even decades.  

What happens is that they either prevent themselves from getting involved in a new relationship or, if they do allow themselves to, they don’t fully invest. How could they when their heart and affections lie elsewhere?  

You may know someone like this, or it might be you. If it is you, and you are having trouble moving on from a past relationship, consider the following tips to let that person go so you can move on with your life and, hopefully, onto someone new who can offer you the relationship you want.  

Train your brain.  

In the same way that you need to exercise your muscles, you will need to train your brain not to think about the person you once were in a relationship with or even just dated. Yes, you can be stuck on someone you were never committed to and who was never committed to you. Feelings are feelings that can develop just as easily after a few dates or a situationship.  

For starters, you will need to actively note when you are thinking about them and then redirect your thoughts elsewhere. It can help to have a go-to thought or a plan to just get up and do something else that can distract you. Figure out what you like to do or what your most pleasant thought is, and go there, even if it’s only in your head.  

A warning: You won’t have success at this overnight. Your mind is strong, and they will give you a run for the money when you try to push repetitive thoughts away. But remember, you are stronger than your rumination, and over time, you will overcome this habitual thinking.  

Go no contact if you haven’t already.  

It’s hard to keep someone out of your head if you see or talk to them every day. That’s why you need to go “no contact.” 

Keep in mind that you may not, in reality, be seeing or talking to your ex. However, if you are connected with them on social media and even if you’re not but looking at their public posts, you will need to stop. Stop also Googling your ex and asking mutual friends what’s happening in your ex’s life.  

If none of the above is possible, i.e., there’s no social media to look at and no mutual friends to hound, you probably have old exchanges, such as texts, emails, and DMs, to pull up, which still counts as seeing them. You need to stop looking at those as well.  

If deleting old correspondence is too much of a leap for you, find a way to archive them so they’re not easily accessible, or just tell yourself you are no longer allowing yourself to look in the interest of healing your heart. The same goes for cards, letters, souvenirs, and mementos. Toss them or put them in a shoebox to look at later or never again.  

Call on others to support you in your healing.  

Once you decide to move on from a past relationship, tell those closest to you your plans so they can offer you support as you need it. Support can come from family members and friends, as well as from a mental health professional or support group.  

The latter two options will likely be more impartial and objective than family and friends about your relationship, so they come to the table with something different from what your regular peeps can offer you. Similarly, a clergyperson in your house of worship may be able to lend a sympathetic ear and offer guidance.  

Whoever you choose and how many, make sure they know they are one of your accountability partners and will be willing to support you as well as be available should you need them. This is where having more than one person to support you can be helpful. People get busy, and you want to make sure you’re covered when you feel most vulnerable.  

Figure Out Your Most Effective relaxation techniques.  

As you begin to pull away from thoughts of your past relationship and start letting go of old dreams related to it, you may find you have moments of anxiety. Apart from leaning on professional support to guide you through these moments of anxiety or depression, including clinical depression that’s ongoing, figure out how best you can relax on your own in difficult moments.  

Whether you choose to go for walks, runs, work out, meditate, or spend time indulging in your favorite pastimes, make sure you are committed to your health and well-being. Self-care can be an effective way to change your mindset during times of emotional strain.  

Start dating again.  

As unappealing as it may feel, jumpstarting your dating life again can help you move forward. In addition to providing a welcome distraction, with enough time, effort, and, most importantly, positive energy, you will eventually realize your ex is not the only person you can mesh with. Because, in fact, you and your ex weren’t meshing, which is why you are no longer together. It takes two to make a relationship work, recall? 

You deserve to have someone in your life who you value and who values you just as much. Who wants a future together, and will move mountains if they have to to make that happen. So, the next time you’re suffering from ex-itis — when you think you’re incapable of moving on from a past relationship — remind yourself that to welcome in the person who is right for you, you first have to usher out the person who was wrong. That applies to the ex who’s already let themselves out. Now, it’s your turn to do the same.