Everyone talks about the first, second, and third dates, but what about the fourth date when you and your new love interest have gotten past the small talk? What then?

The fourth date is actually significant in terms of relationship building. You see, while on the first three dates, you’re still becoming acquainted. However, by the fourth date, you should already be past the basic get-to-know-you questions and feel comfortable enough around each other to dive a little deeper into what makes you each tick. 

More than that, you should be able to use the fourth date to determine whether you might be compatible in the long run. With these goals in mind, here’s what you should expect on a fourth date.

To feel more relaxed.

On a first date, it’s expected that you might have some jitters. However, if you’re invested in the process, you won’t talk yourself out of going, and you’ll show up as the very best version of yourself, just as you would for a job interview. You might think of the second and third dates as call-back interviews, which is why they often have a similar vibe to a first date, though they’re usually a smidge more relaxed. 

By the fourth date, you’ll want to let your guard down a bit and shed the interview-ready façade. In other words, on the fourth date, you can be a bit more casual and reveal more of your personality and quirks. You want the person you’re dating to get to know you and make sure that they like you (and you like them). So it’s best to be yourself.

To go on an activity date.

You likely went out for drinks, dinner, or both during your first three dates, and each date probably lasted no more than two or three hours. Regardless of how much fun these dates were, continuing to go out for only meals gets stale quickly. It’s also nice to see the person you’re dating in a different setting.

So, for a fourth date, you should be open to doing an activity together, preferably during the day. For example, suppose you and your partner bonded over your love of the beach. For your fourth date, you might want to go to one of your favorite beaches together. Alternatively, you might want to go on a hike (where there are other people), to a museum, or on a day trip to a cute town not too far away.

Partaking in an activity together is important because it gives you new experiences to talk about, new laughs and memories to share, and offers you an opportunity to learn more about the interests of the person you’re dating. Unlike dinner and drinks, which would only take a couple of hours, an activity generally requires several hours, giving you more time to get to know each other in a less formal manner than you would be able while sitting at a table or side by side at a bar.

To talk about more significant topics.

By the fourth date, you shouldn’t still be asking the person you’re dating what their favorite color is. Now that you’ve gotten to know them a little, it’s time to determine if you each have what it takes to be in a meaningful relationship with each other. To that end, you should start to ask them more significant questions about their life, values, and history. 

Ask questions about their upbringing, who their friends and family are, and what their career goals are, as well as questions geared toward your compatibility. Keep in mind that just as you want to get to know them, they’re going to want to get to know you. So don’t be afraid to open up about your own life, dreams, and aspirations, including those about your next relationship.  

It’s very important to have that more significant conversation because, while anyone can have fun together, relationship compatibility requires that your values, schedules, and goals align. This is the conversation where some potential dealbreakers, such as starkly different moral values or even just not being able to commit to seeing each other for the same desired amount of time, could arise. 

The bottom line is that you don’t want to waste each other’s time. Therefore, having these types of conversations is critical for deciding whether or not you should continue to see one another.

To get physical (maybe).

By the conclusion of the fourth date, you might be comfortable enough with the person you’re dating to consider getting physical. How physical is a personal decision, though I will say that I’m a firm believer in waiting to have sex until you’ve established a mutual understanding about whether or not you’re committed. If commitment is important to you, it’s best to wait until you have one before engaging in sexual activity. 

If you’re not ready for sex, don’t worry; you can glean a lot about chemistry from handholding, kissing, and other forms of physical touch. Physical compatibility shouldn’t be underestimated in a relationship. In healthy relationships, there’s usually a balance of physical compatibility with all the rest of the interests and values you share. 

To discuss the status of your relationship.

After the conclusion of the fourth date, it should be clear whether you wish to see this person again or part ways. So, you may find yourselves having a conversation about the nature of your relationship, at least where it might be headed. 

You could ask what the person you’re dating is looking for, as in a casual relationship or something more serious. Similarly, while you won’t necessarily become a “boyfriend and girlfriend” after the fourth date, you might find that the person you’re dating asks if you’re still on dating apps or seeing other people. Pro-tip: You should be honest with them.

So even if you don’t label your relationship, there’s the possibility that you may discuss exclusivity and the possibility of it as you continue to explore your current relationship. This topic can be a segue into revealing how you’re each feeling at this point. 

Final thoughts …

Whether your relationship continues after the fourth date, or one or both of you decide it’s time to say goodbye, look at the experience as a positive one, where you enjoyed some time together and hopefully learned a thing or two — about the other person, a skill, a piece of knowledge, or had some revelation about yourself. 

If the relationship is going to end, wish the other person well, and move on with your life. You never know when you will run into them again or who they know, so your goal should always be to end amicably. Remember, dating is a process, one you should do your best to enjoy and appreciate for the value it has.