We can talk for hours and hours about what makes a relationship terrible, the red flags to look out for when entering a relationship, or even when to know when it's time to call it quits. But I feel as though people in my field don't spend nearly enough time talking about what makes a relationship successful. I think that limitation stems from a tendency towards pessimism: people tend to focus on the bad, but not the good. 

Today, let's switch things up and focus on what makes a relationship more likely to survive. What factors predict the ability of a relationship to develop into something great? Is it personality? Attraction? Similar beliefs? Some combination? Or none of the above?  

A recent article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America tackles these questions. The researchers used machine learning to determine the extent to which we can quantifiably predict a relationship's success and which factors of a relationship contribute to it.  

To compile their data, the researchers studied 11,196 couples across 43 different studies. They interviewed couples at least twice over several months, sometimes years, about what they believe factors into creating a healthy relationship. The top relationship predictors for the quality of a relationship are the following: perceived commitment of a partner, appreciation in a relationship, sexual satisfaction, perceived satisfaction of a partner, and the amount of conflict. The predictors for individual differences include satisfaction in life, negative affect, depression, and avoidant and anxious attachments. 

The study found that the relationship's characteristics have a much stronger impact on the success of the relationship than the individual characteristics of the people within the relationship. It's not necessarily the person you choose to be in a relationship with that matters in creating a successful relationship but, instead, the dynamic the two of you build in that relationship. A strong relationship, it appears, is more than the sum of its parts. 

As a matchmaker, it would seem these results should be mind-blowing. After all, matchmakers and online dating websites cater to individuals looking for the "one" or their soulmate. For me, the first thing that comes to mind is all of those personality quizzes and fill-in online dating profiles that seem to be gaining traction, where compatibility is ranked by how much you have in common with someone else. Indeed, literature and film romanticize the idea of soulmates. However, the results of this study are, in reality, consistent with my method of matchmaking, not a rom-com. 

When finding matches for my clients, I don't look for a soulmate. Instead, I look for a person who shares the same long-term goals as my client. As this study reveals, there needs to be a compatible relationship dynamic, and sharing similar goals is critical to forging that dynamic.  

The study further suggested that individual characteristics could affect relationships on an individual level, though not for all relationships. Therefore finding matches with similar interests as a foundation for a strong dynamic is still useful. However, it's not the primary factor in finding a great relationship and not the main one I focus on when making matches. 

You cannot reduce a healthy relationship to a definition of spending time together. A relationship is "good" when two individuals become one unit, practicing a balance of give and take. A couple ultimately forms a strong dynamic of mutual love and respect when they help each other achieve their long-term goals, as a couple and as individuals. The caveat: that potential doesn't usually come through in an online dating profile when you list only your interests and basic characteristics.  

The closest indicator of whether you've found a solid match, and eventually, a great relationship, would be the presence of shared goals. When seeking a relationship, I advise my clients to do their best not to judge how individuals like to spend their time or what toppings on their pizza they prefer. Instead, they should evaluate the quality of the relationship they could potentially build — together. And order the pepperoni on half the pie.