It’s a common belief that single men are the prime viewers of adult content. However, a deeper look reveals that along with single men, married men, those in relationships, and even women (albeit at a different rate) also indulge in it. According to a 2022 survey, about 58 percent of Americans have browsed adult sites during their lifetimes, underscoring pornography’s widespread reach.

While some tout the advantages of adult content, suggesting it can bring spice to one’s intimate life or act as a makeshift guide for sexual exploration, I have my doubts. My 30 years of experience as a matchmaker has often led me to uncover an underlying issue in rocky relationships and marriages — a significant number have been affected negatively by pornography.

This observation prompts questions: Is porn a precursor to marital strife? Does a rocky marriage lead one to seek comfort in porn? Or does a correlation not exist? A 2016 study revealed that diving into adult content within a marital setting could increase the likelihood of divorce, particularly for women. Yet, determining whether marital issues lead to porn or vice versa remains ambiguous.

Without a singular answer, what you’re left with is your gut. Fortunately, your instincts usually guide you well. So, if you feel your partner’s pornography consumption habits are straining your relationship, you’re probably onto something. However, before we delve deeper, let’s define pornography given how much interpretation and controversy there can be around it.

What is pornography?

There’s a lot of debate about what exactly constitutes pornography. Broadly, pornography includes any sexually explicit material, from visuals like films and photos to written content intended for arousal. Its range is vast — from nudity to extreme and violent content. 

At its most malevolent extreme lies child pornography, which is illegal and detestable. Unfortunately, the internet has expanded its reach, with access merely a click away, making its potential implications on relationships and marriages even more distressing.

How can pornography negatively affect romantic relationships?

On a basic level, porn can become a placeholder for live intimate moments. For those not in a relationship, such usage wouldn’t necessarily present a significant issue, as pornography can help combat loneliness and satiate sexual desire, at least temporarily. However, when used as a substitute for intimacy over prolonged periods, pornography can become an easy fix, given how actively seeking a relationship partner requires effort. Indeed, extended dependence on pornography to combat loneliness could increase loneliness over time, loneliness the pornography user initially sought to avoid.  

When used within the confines of committed relationships, pornography could similarly jeopardize the intimacy couples share. One notable feature of adult content that could become problematic for couples is that the characters in porn are usually emotionally detached and reduce sexual acts to pure physical need. Moreover, pornography often objectifies its subjects, particularly women. This dehumanization can erode the emotional aspects of sex that bring couples closer together.

Further, the glamorized portrayal of intimacy in adult content can depict a distorted reality. Its perpetuation of unrealistic standards could make spouses feel inadequate, leading to an erosion of self-esteem. Both men and women can feel pressured to perform certain acts, only to feel despondent when real life doesn’t match up with what they’ve witnessed on the screen.

Finally, regular porn usage could contribute to trust issues in a relationship, where one partner feels betrayed, similar to if their partner was cheating on them. This typically results when one partner turns their focus to someone outside the relationship, even if that person is an actor. The potential for some individuals to develop unhealthy patterns of consumption, including addiction, can further harm a couple’s dynamic.

Positive Effects on Relationships

As stated earlier, views on pornography vary, and not all are negative. Proponents of pornography argue that it can positively affect romantic relationships. 

From this vantage point, pornography can help couples communicate by acting as a vehicle to discuss sexual desires and boundaries. Pornography can likewise become the inspiration for further sexual exploration and education. 

Not to mention, some couples enjoy viewing pornography together. Having yet another shared activity, especially a sexual one, can, according to this camp, increase intimacy for some couples. 

When should your partner’s pornography usage raise a red flag?

An alarming revelation has been that pornography can rewire brain chemistry. A 2013 Cambridge University study showcased that brain patterns of heavy adult content consumers resembled those with addictions, such as to drugs. Alarmingly, another statistic suggests a possible 200,000 Americans might be struggling with porn addiction. If you sense your partner might be addicted to porn, addressing the issue is, therefore, crucial.

In my experience, frequent consumption of pornographic material is often a precursor to relationship or marital issues. Although it might not always be the sole cause of divorce or a breakup, it often features prominently among the catalysts. The research agrees; the same 2016 study referenced above found that ceasing consumption notably reduced the risk of divorce for women, hinting at the potential problems pornography brings to relationships.

How should you address pornography in your relationship?

Maintaining an open dialogue between yourself and your partner is of paramount importance, especially when dealing with a sensitive topic like pornography usage. Your partner might not realize how their consumption is affecting you and your relationship and that they might have an addiction to it. 

Effective communication involves not only sharing your thoughts and feelings on the subject but also actively listening. To this end, strive to address your concerns head-on, set clear boundaries for what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you with regard to porn usage, and seek to understand your partner’s viewpoints and motivations. When you both try to communicate more effectively, it can pave the way to a healthier, more transparent relationship.

If you’re each willing, try to find a middle ground, prioritizing compromise. Doing so lets your partner feel seen and heard. They should do the same for you. By working together, by showing empathy and respect for one another, you can potentially reach a place of understanding and move toward healing as a couple. Should this not be possible, you always have the option to leave.

A therapist can help, particularly one with experience advising couples on how to navigate sexually-based relationship issues. Whether it’s challenges related to pornography consumption habits or other problems with a sexual origin, recognizing the need for help is the first step. Couples therapy, individual therapy, support groups devoted to pornography usage, educational workshops, and addiction counseling can all help to strengthen the bond you share with your partner.

Final thoughts …

If you’re searching for alternatives to enhance intimacy besides pornography, your answer could rest in simply reconnecting with your partner and removing all distractions, including porn. A life without porn allows clearer views of the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship, empowering you and your partner to make informed decisions about your future together. Which can be far sexier than anything — or anyone — that appears on a screen.