Breakups are not always clean. Typically, the longer the time a couple spends together, the harder it will be to move forward alone. That said, even short relationships can be emotionally charged, making a breakup difficult for one or both of the individuals involved. It’s why, during these rough periods, people employ a healing strategy known as “no contact” to help them recover. 

No contact is a simple concept — in theory. Once the breakup happens, unexpected or not, the person implementing it must have zero contact with their now ex. That means no calls, texts, social media, letters, or showing up “coincidentally” to places where they know they will run into them. It also means not accepting these types of attempts at contact from their ex.  

Unfortunately, due to some people’s tenacity and even downright selfishness, staying away from an ex can become challenging, especially if the ex is hellbent on staying relevant. With this understanding, no contact is implemented for an initial 30 days.  

If no contact is broken before the first 30-day milestone is reached, meaning the person implementing it reaches out to their ex or responds to contact from their ex, the clock is reset to day one. The hope is that the person employing no contact will get further along in the process the next time. 

Sound drastic? Well, it is. But there’s a reason, actually a few of them, for why no contact is the gold standard of healing strategies and why, if you’re going through a breakup or can’t seem to get over one, you should consider using it, too.     

It creates emotional distance.  

Gaining perspective is critical when going through a breakup. However, you can’t have it when you are in contact with your ex and cycling through a range of emotions.  

In addition, you don’t want to hold out false hope, latching onto anything and everything your ex says that could cause you to feel there is any. Keeping your ex away can also hinder your ex from manipulating you to their advantage if that’s their intention. Remember the biblical verse: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).  

It creates time and space to heal. 

With your ex out of your direct view, you can focus better on getting them out of your head and heart. This is the time when you can begin grieving the end of your relationship.

You can do this by working through all of your emotions and reconciling with yourself why the relationship had to end, either by your choice or theirs. Keep in mind that just because you ended the relationship doesn’t mean you won’t need to grieve it. Give yourself that grace. 

It sets clear boundaries.  

Establishing no contact sends a message to your ex and yourself, for that matter, that you mean business. It communicates you are committed to ending the relationship and that you are focused on your healing.  

It is important to note here that you should refrain from using no contact to reel your ex back in if they are no longer interested in the relationship or not giving you the attention you desire. This is manipulative and not the purpose of no contact, though you can find people who will say it works for getting an ex back and direct you to use it for this reason. Don’t. 

That said, there is always the possibility that your ex will realize what they lost if they broke up with you and you established a rule of no contact afterward. Should your ex come back, it’s imperative they do so in a strong way, stating what’s changed for them and that they are committed fully to the relationship and you.  

It wards against cycling back to your ex. 

One of the best ways to inhibit your healing is to cycle back to your ex, meaning you break up and get back together over and over again. Whether it’s because of you, them, or the two of you establishing this dynamic, it’s important to understand that reconciliation will only work if something in the relationship has fundamentally changed to make it sustainable.  

No contact gives you the foundation to evaluate any attempts at contact from your ex through a more critical lens. It will make you think twice about reaching out, holding you accountable for your actions.  

It fosters independence.  

The time during no contact is helpful for rediscovering who you are and what you like as an individual. Not as someone who is part of a couple where your partner’s interests could overpower yours, or yours took a backseat.  

When you are part of a couple, it can be easy to let go of some of the pastimes or interests you were involved in before the relationship. You may also have lost touch with some of your friends. This is natural, as there are only so many hours in the day. So redirect that time back to you, catering to your needs and wants first and what your life looks like now.  

It is necessary for closure.  

After a breakup, you may find yourself with questions for your ex, which they may or may not be able to answer. What you’re looking for is closure from them. 

Unfortunately, no amount of answers or conversations with your ex can provide the closure you’re seeking. If you go down this route, you will inevitably come back wanting more each time because you hold all the answers for your life, not them.  

Closure is not knowing everything about why the relationship ended. Instead, closure is the reconciliation you have with yourself regarding your willingness to let go of the relationship. This happens when you decide you are ready. 

It sets the stage for a fresh start.  

No contact sets the stage for a fresh start by clearing the stage. No, you won’t forget the experiences you had with your ex, good and bad. Nor will you forget the pain you felt when you parted ways, though it will lessen.  

As unpleasant as a breakup is, the experience of it is what is helping you to grow in ways you have only begun to realize, making you stronger and more prepared for the life you have in front of you. A life filled with opportunities for finding happiness again, including new love.