“What should I do if every time I approach my partner for sex, they give me an excuse why they can’t?” 

More and more Americans are revealing that they’re sleeping in what’s colloquially become known as a “dead bedroom,” where sex is left almost exclusively to fantasy. Sometimes for a year or longer. 

Though the term dead bedroom is pretty new, sexless marriages and relationships have existed for what must feel like an eternity, especially for those sleeping in one who want more. No one is immune to a dead bedroom either; it can happen to any couple, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, and marital status. The common thread is that, without regular sex, one or both individuals are typically dissatisfied, their relationship suffering as a result. 

Ending a relationship or marriage because of a dead bedroom is a big decision. If you are standing at such a crossroads, ask yourself the following questions before deciding whether to stay or go.  

Is the absence of sex in your marriage or relationship actually an issue? 

There’s not a universal definition of a dead bedroom. Some define it as going six months without sex. Some say it’s longer than six months. Others say that sex doesn’t need to be absent, but the frequency that exists is no longer “normal” for that particular relationship.   

Then there are those couples for whom no sex is the status quo, even desirable. Consider the following scenario: You and your partner are content being in a relationship without sex. You don’t want it or even miss it. In this situation, your bedroom isn’t dead. As research shows, some people in sexless relationships report being as happy as their peers who are sleeping in bedrooms that are alive and well. 

The point is if you or your partner are unhappy with your sex life, and you’re both vested in turning up the heat, then it pays to take some time to look at the reasons why you’re bedroom might be dead and if there’s a way to remedy what’s going on (or not going on).  

What can cause a dead bedroom? 

Life can kill not only your spirit but also your sex drive. Job worries, financial woes, divergent views on money, kids, and pets could all be relationship killers.  

Perhaps changes in your or your partner’s physical appearance over the years have led to a decline in attraction. Weight gain is a common occurrence among married couples, with a study in The New England Journal of Medicine revealing that if one spouse becomes obese, the other spouse has a 37 percent increased chance of also becoming obese. 

If weight isn’t the issue, it could be personal habits and hygiene. Wearing the same clothes for days, not showering, or generally looking unkempt is not exactly libido-enhancing. 

Children may also impact the intimacy in a relationship, as the demands of parenting — whining, screaming, exhaustion, and frequent intrusions — can contribute to a less vibrant bedroom life. So, too, can post-partum depression, clinical depression, anxiety, erectile dysfunction, cancer and cancer-related treatments, and advancing age.  

Whatever’s caused your sex life to do a deep dive, it’s crucial to give it a name. Identifying the issue and actively working toward addressing it can be what brings your bedroom back to life.  

Have you tried as a couple to address your sexless marriage? 

In many situations, there’s potential to repair a sexless relationship if both partners are willing. It could involve various measures, such as taking a vacation, seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor, or undergoing medical testing and treatment — whatever you believe may be beneficial. 

Open and honest communication and a joint effort to address the issues underlying existing physical intimacy struggles are integral to a thorough exploration. If all else fails, discussing the possibility of a future apart with your partner might be necessary. 

Are you ready to shut the bedroom door on your marriage or relationship forever? 

Divorce is a challenging journey. It’s often a lengthy, emotionally draining, and heart-wrenching process, especially when children are involved. Endling a long-term relationship when you once saw a future together is no fun either. That’s why it’s important to explore possible solutions before coming to a definitive decision to break up. 

Should you ultimately find yourself at that point, be kind to yourself. If a fulfilling and intimate connection, including an active sex life, is a significant part of your identity and contributes to you feeling loved and secure, seeking happiness elsewhere is not just justifiable. It’s necessary.