“Dumper” or “dumpee,” the question of whether you should get back together with your ex after breaking up seems to come up more often than not. After all, you rationalize, you got together for a reason, so there must have been a time when you were happy. So you think, “Perhaps we could capture that magic again.”  

You begin reflecting on the good times and miss them. And maybe, just maybe, they have been feeling the same. You consider sending “that” message. Though, hopefully, not the one Adam Levine recently sent. Or maybe your ex already tried to make contact with you.  

Regardless, before contemplating the bigger question of whether you should get back together, there are several questions you need to ask yourself first. Here they are. 

Why did you break up? 

If the answer to this question is that your relationship partner was abusive toward you, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, or financially, the answer should be NO. Don’t get back together. Abusers do not change; any form of abuse should always be a dealbreaker. Notwithstanding the fact that any type of abuse puts you in harm’s way, you deserve better.  

Similarly, if your ex was a serial cheater or pathological liar, chances are, they have not changed either, so I would not recommend taking that ex back, either. Again, you deserve better.  

However, if you broke up due to issues that could have been resolved with proper communication, such as slowly becoming disenchanted with each other over time and feeling unappreciated in the relationship, there are several other factors you should consider before making a decision to get back together. Read on. 

How long has it been since your breakup? 

If you broke up yesterday, chances are, neither you nor your ex had the chance to introspect and learn from your relationship, which means that if you were to get back together today, you would pretty much be picking up right where you left off.  

Get back together too soon and have the same fights and continue to feel dissatisfied with certain aspects of your relationships, you will likely end up breaking up again, and that is no fun. The bottom line is that without changing anything about your past relationship, and yourselves for that matter, you are pretty much doomed to repeat the same behaviors that compromised your relationship in the first place, which will only prolong the heartache of your breakup. Only time apart can bring perspective.  

However, if it has been several weeks or months, or even years later, and you and your ex just randomly stumble on each other in a coffee shop, for example, there is a chance that the person you are meeting now is no longer the person you remember them being. Time is a strong healer; as you go through life, each of your experiences is formative, and the wisdom you acquire (hopefully) can change you little by little until you emerge with a more mature perspective on life. 

That said, it is also possible that you have spent too much time apart. Upon reacquainting yourself with your ex, you may realize that you are now too different from each other. Or that you have been putting them on a pedestal in your mind all this time and actually do not want to be with them anymore. Finally, you may have simply been missing the idea of them. They may feel similarly about you, which can still be heartbreaking to realize.  

Additionally, there is the possibility that despite the passage of time, you or your ex have not matured at all. That is why the next question is critical for determining whether reconciliation is possible or even a good idea.  

What have you learned from your breakup? 

Given that you did not break up with your ex for a fundamental, unforgivable dealbreaker such as abuse, the reality is that you went wrong somewhere in your relationship. It is easy to pin blame on your ex and reflect on everything they did to you, but if you aim to get back together with them, you need to abandon your victim mindset. It is pretty much a given that you made mistakes in your relationship, too. 

Maybe you struggled with communication, or you were the one who did not appreciate your ex. Maybe you used to press their buttons — deliberately. Whatever it was, you need to have the understanding that there is something to learn from past mistakes in your relationship so that you can most effectively avoid making those mistakes again and bringing about another breakup. You also want to make sure you are getting back together for the right reasons, not because you are lonely. 

Are you willing to put in the work? 

After spending time apart, you will need to recognize that you simply cannot pick up where you left off. You and your ex should be different people now; hopefully, both of you have learned from your breakup, worked on yourselves and your issues, and are willing to put in the effort to move forward together.  

You will need to take time to reacquaint yourself with each other. You will also need to rebuild the trust you may have lost as a result of your breakup and time apart. 

More importantly, you will need to be patient with each other and set realistic expectations. Most likely, your relationship did not end all at once, even if it came to a head in a single event. Your relationship's demise was most likely a slow breakdown, as you each engaged in habits that left the relationship weaker.  

Final thoughts … 

You are not perfect, and neither is your ex; you each may backslide into some old habits that previously hurt your relationship. However, for your relationship to continue, what you need to do is be cognizant of these bad habits, catch yourself engaging in them early, and work together to create the relationship you both claim to want. Remember, it takes two to break up as much as it does to make up.