Avoidant behavior in relationships describes regular interactions characterized by a desire to avoid intimacy and close emotional connections. The root is often a fear of becoming dependent on someone else and a deep need to maintain independence and a sense of personal autonomy. 

People who are avoidant often find it difficult to express their feelings. They tend to avoid making long-term commitments and downplay the importance of relationships. As a result, they may come off as indifferent or emotionally distant.  

Avoidant behavior is typical in those with an avoidant attachment style, one of the four attachment styles. The other three are secure, anxious, and disorganized.

Those who exhibit an avoidant attachment relationship style can usually turn to their childhood to pinpoint why. They might have been raised by unreliable caregivers or caregivers who rejected them in some way, leading them to eventually believe that they can’t rely on anyone but themselves for emotional support.  

Understanding and facing avoidant behavior can help you form stronger relationships. It can also help you decide if a particular relationship is worth saving. Here’s what you need to know.

How can avoidant attachment style can affect adult romantic relationships? 

Avoidant behavior can present challenges for both relationship partners in different ways. For example, the avoidant partner might want to form a deep connection with their partner but find they cannot. 

In turn, the non-avoidant relationship partner can feel rejected or think they are not their partner’s priority. The inevitable result is that both partners find the relationship dissatisfying, and conflict can become problematic. Fortunately, therapy can help with this dynamic. 

How can a non-avoidant partner address their partner’s avoidant behavior with them?

In addition to seeking the help of a mental health professional with experience counseling those with an avoidant attachment style and their non-avoidant partners, there are other ways to deal with avoidant behavior in relationships. Here’s what you can do.

Communicate with your partner clearly and directly.

That said, don’t be confrontational when expressing your feelings and needs to your avoidant partner. Always use “I” statements instead of “you” so you don’t sound like you’re accusing or blaming them. 

As an exercise, read the following observations out loud and listen to the difference: “I feel sad when we don’t speak during the workday” versus “When you don’t call me from work, it makes me feel sad.” Which do you think sounds less confrontational?

Encourage your partner to express themselves.  

Avoidants generally have trouble expressing their emotions, even to those closest to them, such as a relationship partner or spouse. To put your partner more at ease, encourage them to share how they feel with you, whether during a conflict or during peaceful moments, reinforcing that being vulnerable with a partner is not a sign of weakness but a natural part of a healthy relationship. 

Be patient and understanding with your avoidant partner. 

Change won’t happen overnight, so be patient and understanding with your partner as you work together on improving your relationship. A step toward doing so is to learn why your partner might be avoidant in the first place. 

Is it because of a particular trauma or experience? A pattern your partner learned due to their relationship during childhood with a parent? The more you uncover together, and the more empathy, patience, and understanding you demonstrate, the more likely your partner will feel confident and secure in the relationship as time progresses. 

Establish boundaries. 

A cornerstone of a healthy relationship is the existence and enforcement of boundaries. This statement is particularly applicable to relationships with an avoidant partner, so don’t be afraid to set boundaries for which behaviors you find comfortable and which you don’t. Remember, boundary setting in a relationship isn’t only for your benefit; it also exists for your partner. With this in mind, remember to … 

Respect your partner’s need for space. 

Everybody desires space, sometimes more so when you have an avoidant-type personality. To that end, refrain from pushing your partner too hard about being communicative or spending time together. 

You’re in a relationship, not joined at the hip, and the last thing you want to do is push your partner further away. Neediness in a relationship can be a turnoff. 

Practice self-care.

Being a supportive partner is commendable, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your own health and well-being. If you feel strained due to your partner’s avoidant attachment style, seek out the support of family, friends, and, perhaps, a mental health professional to frequent individually. At the same time, maintain and cultivate interests and hobbies all your own.  

What should you do if you are the avoidant partner in your relationship?

If you suspect that you are the avoidant partner in your relationship, congratulations. You’re now one step closer to bettering your existing situation. Recognize that there is support for you, as a couple and solo. 

Talk to your partner about how you think you might be exhibiting avoidant tendencies, and if your partner is willing, take them on this journey of self-discovery with you. It may just be that the avoidant behavior that has been keeping you apart will ultimately be what brings you closer together.