For many people, sleeping in the same bed is synonymous with a healthy relationship or marriage. But what do you do when sleeping in the same bedroom feels like it’s putting a strain on you or your partner? 

There are many reasons why people may choose to sleep apart, including snoring or the desire for more personal space. So prevalent are separate sleeping quarters that The New York Times covered this topic just recently. As the article describes, sleeping apart is not uncommon— many couples do not sleep in the same bed or even the same room.

But is such a setup desirable? More than that, can it negatively affect your relationship? There are numerous pros and cons regarding whether separate bedrooms are for you and your partner. Depending on your circumstances, the answer might be clear. But, if it isn’t, you can consider the following criteria as part of your decision-making.

Pro #1: Private Space

One of the most cited reasons why couples want separate bedrooms is for personal or private space. Especially when you live with another person, it can sometimes be difficult to define space as singularly yours, where you can go to relax independently. If you live in a small apartment or you and your partner work from home, you may feel this even more.

For some couples, separate bedrooms can fix the issue. At the end of the day, you can each retreat to your individual spaces, which you have decorated and arranged to meet your personal wishes and comforts. You can each have a place to unwind and process the day’s events without interruption.

Con #1: Emotional Distance

Though private space can be beneficial for some couples, as the Times article highlights, some psychologists express concern that separate spaces can create or heighten emotional distance in a relationship. If both partners have a busy or hectic workday, for example, time to wind down together before bed can be crucial for reconnecting.

Though you may value private space, even covet it, consider the impact that sleeping in different rooms could have or is having on the emotional connection you share with your partner currently. It might be the reason to keep sleeping in the same bedroom and look for other ways to create private space for yourself.

Pro #2: Better Sleep

Another reason couples cite for sleeping in separate bedrooms is sleep quality. If your partner snores and you are a light sleeper, for example, sleeping apart may be a viable solution. 

Sleeping by oneself is one way to remedy poor sleep. So if you or your partner find that your sleep is suffering because of you sharing a bedroom, it may be best for your health to switch it up and sleep elsewhere until the problem is resolved.

Con #2: Better Sleep Might be an Excuse

Though individual sleeping spaces can be beneficial for some people, it is important to make sure that better sleep is not just an excuse to mask a larger issue in your relationship. Should the real issue be that you do not like spending time with your partner or that you want to put some distance between you, better sleep may be the hollow reason you are using to justify sleeping in separate bedrooms.

So before making a move down the hall, consider if you are actually concerned about your sleep quality or looking for a way out — out of the bedroom or the relationship. By questioning yourself, you can ensure there are no other underlying issues.

Pro #3: Heightened Intimacy

Some couples find that sleeping in separate spaces actually heightens intimacy— emotional, sexual, or otherwise. For these couples, the added space between them makes the time they are together even more special.

Especially if you want more private space in your home, separate bedrooms can make other spaces feel more like areas designated for the two of you. Plus, because there are fewer occasions for spontaneous intimacy to occur, such as the time right before bed (as in you are both lying next to each other, so sex happens organically), intimacy can feel more intentional and, therefore, special.

Con #3: Loss of Casual Intimacy

Others raise concerns that sleeping apart can cause a loss of the casual or spontaneous intimacy which sharing a bedroom can bring. For these individuals, the intimacy that happens naturally at the end of the day is critical to a relationship, and sleeping in different bedrooms can lessen these opportunities.

Once again, whether this effect is a con depends on you and your partner’s needs and wants. The good news is with planning, you and your partner can make up for these bedtime rituals in other ways if you both commit to doing so. As long as there is still intimacy and connection, your relationship will likely stay strong.

Final thoughts …

Your sleeping arrangement should benefit you and your partner. Likewise, what works for you as a couple may not work for another or you with different partners. Your relationship patterns depend on your specific situation and your needs as they exist today. 

There are many factors that go into choosing a sleeping arrangement. But regardless of your choice, it should provide peacefulness in all the ways a good night’s sleep should, the kind that comes from being in a relationship you once only dreamed of but can now enjoy — day or night.