You’ve probably heard the expression “time heals all wounds,” but in the case of a breakup, it can sometimes feel as though your ex is on your mind as much or even more since your relationship ended. You might think enough time has passed that you should be over your ex, but yet you’re still not. If your ex has already moved on, it can sting even more.

I’m not here to deny that moving on from a relationship can be challenging, particularly if you weren’t the one to call it quits or if the breakup was messy. As a matchmaker and dating consultant for more than three decades, I’ve seen and heard it all. What I can tell you is that, like any other life change, coping with and then getting over a breakup requires introspection and participation to recover.

In other words, there are steps you can take to actively help yourself move past your grief and get over your ex. Below are five ways I recommend to facilitate the healing process.

1. Ask yourself why you’re still heartbroken.

If you’ve been upset about your breakup for as long as you’ve been, ask yourself the following question: Why am I still so upset?

Was it something you or your ex did that incited the breakup? Was it a mistake you and or your ex made during your relationship? Was there trauma involved? Are you upset because you’re no longer in a relationship — any relationship, that is?

Looking for the source of your feelings can put you on a path of introspection, eventually resulting in personal growth and emotional maturity. The idea is the hurt from your breakup will begin to resolve itself once you identify and, next, address it, and you’ll be better equipped to move forward with your life. That can include starting a new relationship once you’re ready.

2. Spend time with friends and family.

When grieving the end of a relationship, it may feel instinctive to lock yourself in a dark room and cry all day long, reminiscing about your greatest moments as a couple. While it’s OK to take some time to release your emotions, at some point, you need to venture outside and live your life.

That can include spending time with friends and family. Catching up with people you care about and who care about you can serve as a healthy distraction from your breakup. Socializing with those you know and like can get out of your own head and stop you from ruminating about your breakup.

I will warn you that grief won’t disappear with the snap of your fingers. But with practice, you can learn how to live with it, including how to manage the way it affects your day-to-day existence.

3. Cultivate new hobbies and interests.

When you give yourself nothing else to think about, your mind will naturally overthink, prolonging the pain of your breakup. That’s why it’s so important during a breakup to take deliberate steps to focus on something positive, such as a new hobby. And, before you ask, no, surfing through Spotify to find songs to add to your heartbreak playlist does not count as a hobby.

While you should be careful not to use a hobby as a distraction to avoid dealing with your pain, a hobby can become one of many reasons to get out of bed each morning. A new hobby or a return to an old one can help you establish an identity that goes well beyond being one-half of a couple.

4. Recognize your breakup was probably for the best.

While you’re going through a breakup, the statement “it was for the best” can feel offensive, if not altogether untrue. However, the pain you’re experiencing as a result of your breakup doesn’t have to be in vain. If you harness it, it can become the catalyst for growth as you learn more about yourself and your priorities in a relationship — and in life.

Your goal should be to emerge from your breakup with a deeper understanding of yourself. If you do the work, you’ll most likely find that you would not be who you are now had you stayed in the relationship. You would also not be who you are today had you never been in the relationship. Both make you YOU. Changing your perspective is critical.

5. Start dating again.

You’ve probably heard the (crass) saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. While I will not recommend a rebound relationship, eventually, there comes a time after a breakup when it makes sense for you to get back “out there.” 

It might hurt. Your first date after a breakup can feel strange, unfamiliar, and lonely. But as you continue dating, someone special will eventually capture your attention and you theirs.

Instead of feeling upset over the loss of your last relationship, you’ll suddenly feel excited to get to know the person you’ve begun to date. And that ex of yours will no longer be the person who broke your heart but, rather, the person who led you to open your heart to someone new.