Hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by a narcissist to regain control after being distanced or rejected by a love interest. It’s important to recognize hoovering behaviors as they can land you right back into a toxic or abusive relationship. Here are five signs to watch out for.  

1. Excessive Communication After a Period of Silence 

An effective strategy when ending a relationship with a narcissist is to go through a period of “no contact.” Ending contact with a narcissist allows you to gain perspective about your relationship and see the other person’s behavior for what it was and how it affected you. It also allows you to heal. 

Sound good? For you, yes. For the narcissist who has lost control over you, not so much. Your ignoring them will likely make them angry and, as a result, work hard to get you back under their spell. They will show that they think nothing of the boundary you set by contacting you repeatedly, even though you’ve made it clear you don’t want them to.  

It doesn’t matter if you haven’t heard from this person in a while, either; hoovering often involves them persistently reaching out after long periods of silence. Most commonly, hoovering will begin with calls, texts, emails, and gestures over social media, such as liking or commenting on posts or sharing content with you. In more brazen acts, they will show up unexpectedly at your home or magically appear in public places where they expect to find you.  

Their intention? To draw you back into their world of chaos before you even realize what’s happening. 

2. Promise of Change or Apologies 

A narcissist who’s hoovering you may promise that they’ve changed or express how sorry they are for their past actions. It shouldn’t take much to realize that these apologies are manipulative attempts designed to put them back in your good graces. Narcissists are slick and will know just how to pray on your emotions and take advantage of your kind nature.  

If you aren’t sure about your ex’s intentions, look to the past. Usually, you’ve already witnessed how their apologies are short-lived.   

3. Using Guilt to Make You Feel Responsible 

No one’s better at guilt-tripping than a narcissist who wants you back. They will stop at nothing to make you feel like you owe them a second chance or that they are the victim in the situation because they’re always the victim. 

Saying things like, “We have years together, and you owe it to us to give me one more chance,” and “I don’t know how I’ll go on if you don’t take me back” are two examples of guilt-tripping. Though it can be hard to stand your ground, these statements are manipulative and not in your best interest.  

4. Sudden Acts of Kindness or Grand Gestures 

If you suddenly receive gifts from your ex or they make grand gestures that are uncalled for given your current status, you’re best off recognizing them for what they are: blatant attempts to win your affection and regain your trust.

Don’t fall for it. You don’t owe them anything in return. You didn’t ask for this, and their behavior is on them.   

5. Toxic Behavior Masked as ‘Love’ or ‘Care’ 

“Aww, they’re so caring the way they brought me soup after they found out I was sick from one of my friends.”  

“That was so thoughtful of them to change the light bulbs outside my house without my asking.” 

“It was so nice how they relieved my landscaper to clean up my yard themselves so I wouldn’t have to pay anyone.” 

Disguised as love and care, when coming from a person who’s already shown you who they are, these are clear examples of stalking, controlling, and excessive behavior. Consider the ulterior motive behind the words and actions.  

What to Do if You Realize Your Ex Is Trying to Hoover You.  

If you recognize your ex has resurfaced to bring you back into their midst, even if you’ve already broken no contact, it’s not too late to enforce your boundaries. Start the clock again without blaming yourself, with 30 days as your first goal.  

Once you reach 30 days, pat yourself on the back and keep going, no matter what tricks your ex pulls out of their sleeve. When dealing with a narcissist, it may take you a few tries to get it right because they’re that good at what they do, which is fooling you into believing they’ve changed.  

As you’ll continue to realize, they haven’t. And, if you continue to stand your ground, they’ll soon realize you have.