Some relatives may feel they have a vested interest in your relationship and be compelled to offer unsolicited advice. Others may simply like to weigh in because they think they know best. Whatever their motivation, when relatives attempt to meddle in your relationship, it can feel intrusive and overbearing.  

Fortunately, you can take certain steps to deal with and stop well-intentioned (or perhaps not so well-intentioned) family members from interfering in your romantic life. And do so without burning a bridge between you and them.

Be intentional about sharing information and asking for advice.

It is important to consider whether you are inviting someone to comment on your relationship. In some instances, you may want advice. In this case, you should explicitly ask for it. 

Saying, “I have this problem. What should I do?” or “How did you handle this?” can be effective cues to the relative you are speaking to that you are open to and asking for their opinion. Ideally, the absence of these phrases will signal to them that the instances when you do not ask the questions are the times you are only looking to share.

Sometimes, however, people take you talking about a problem to mean that you want advice. Or they may think because you are talking about a specific topic, there is a problem that needs solving. Venting to a relative can be cathartic and helpful, but if you just want to vent, make sure that that is clear, ideally by telling them upfront.

If relatives insert themselves into your relationship even when there is no problem or request for advice, that may be a sign that you should stop sharing details about your relationship with them as frequently or at all. If a relative is still prone to giving unsolicited advice despite your best efforts, it is probably wise to go to them only when you want their opinion on something specific and steer clear of them otherwise. 

Or you can decide only to share details about your relationship with them when a big milestone is coming up, like getting engaged or buying a house. Even then, you will have to set boundaries. More about that later. 

Consider bias when asking for advice from relatives.

In addition to being intentional about sharing details concerning your relationship, you should consider the biases of the people with whom you choose to share those details. When you ask for advice, the relatives you ask are far from neutral; they have biases, likely not in your favor. This does not mean you must refrain from asking for advice altogether, but it does mean you should consider who you are talking to and what kind of biases they might have toward you or your partner.

For instance, if you are asking for help with a surprise for your partner, a relative can likely be a great help. Similarly, if you and your partner have a problem that your parents, for example, had or are considering doing something they have done, asking them how they handled a similar situation can be valuable. They may have insights you do not have.

That said, you may want to consider seeking the advice of a neutral third party for more serious matters. This could be someone like a counselor, but it is ideally someone who does not have a reason to favor one person in the relationship or a particular outcome from the situation or problem at hand. 

A counselor can give more neutral advice to you and your partner and will likely encourage you to look at a situation from various perspectives. A parent may be a good resource, but they are not as likely to consider your partner’s perspective, meaning the advice you get may be skewed in your favor and, as a result, can negatively affect your relationship now or down the road.

If you are worried about whether bias may cloud the advice or lead to meddling, ask yourself this before inviting someone to comment on your relationship: Should you reasonably or realistically expect this person to already be on a side? If so, you can pretty much assume their leanings will impact the advice you are asking for.

Set boundaries.

Setting boundaries with family members can be challenging, but getting them to stop meddling in your relationship is essential for your well-being and your partner’s. Even family members with the purest of intentions may not realize that what they are doing is meddling. Some people just need a firm boundary to realize their actions’ negative effects.

For instance, if your parents thinks that they know what’s best for you and talk about your relationship with you as part of that mindset, say to them, “I feel like you are not treating me like an adult when you give me unsolicited advice about my relationship.” Then add, “I appreciate your concern and input, but please don’t provide commentary unless I ask for it in the future.” These two simple sentences can be a clear signal that their behavior is unwelcome. 

Sometimes saying something as concise as, “Thank you, but this is between [your partner’s name] and me,” can set a precedent. It offers little room for relatives to offer unsolicited advice without going against your wishes. A short but firm boundary can go a long way.

Finally, consider what a hard line is for you and what you are willing to let slide. Maybe you are OK with a relative being critical of a choice you and your partner made for your wedding, for example. or another significant milestone, but you are unwilling to listen to their critique of your partner. 

What topics are tolerable will change from person to person. But knowing what those topics are and communicating them to others with authority can make boundaries clearer and easier to establish and enforce when the time comes.

Enforce the boundaries you set.

If you have been intentional about who to talk to, have considered the potential biases, and set boundaries, and yet your relatives are still meddling in your relationship, you should take steps to enforce your boundaries. Ideally, your relatives would see the boundaries you set and respect them. But in cases where they do not, you should speak up sooner than later, preferably after the first violation.

In some cases, keeping these types of relatives at arm’s length may be best if they continue not to respect your boundaries. This gives you more autonomy over what they know and allows you to decide when you want them to give advice. 

Final thoughts …

Ultimately, setting boundaries and being aware of bias and intentionality are effective tools for dealing with meddling relatives. Though you may be unable to change their ways, you can seek to educate your relatives about how they can interact with you more respectfully, especially where your relationship is concerned. 

But most importantly, engaging in these practices will change your behavior regarding how you interact with your relatives about something that belongs to you — your relationship, thereby shifting the balance of power back to you. Where it belongs.