Consistency describes the predictable actions and patterns in a relationship that enable you to build a sense of trust in your partner over time. In a stable relationship, you can easily predict your partner’s behaviors and how they will react in many situations. 

Perhaps even more important, you can depend on what your partner says, meaning that if they make a promise to you, you know from experience that it is not an empty platitude and actions back their words. To put it simply, you know what to expect from them. The result is that, over time, you grow to have confidence in your relationship. Unfortunately, not every partner is consistent.

Why is consistency important?

Ultimately, consistency is the foundation of a strong relationship. Consistency is a prerequisite for stability, which brings about accountability, trust, honesty, and emotional intimacy between partners. Consistency fosters an environment in which love can grow. 

Because consistency is desirable, people look for it in relationships. Some also tend to find it, even when it is not actually there. They ignore the signs of an inconsistent partner, excuse them away, or are not actually aware of what an inconsistent partner looks like. The result is never good, which is why it is helpful to understand what an inconsistent partner looks like. 

What are the signs of an inconsistent partner?

Given how important consistency in a relationship is, it is a wonder how so many people find themselves in a relationship with an inconsistent partner and putting up with it. Often, it is because people don’t recognize the signs or, if they do, excuse them away. Regardless of the reason, here are a few red flags to look out for.  

1. They don’t make much of an effort.

The relationship may feel very one-sided. You are putting in all of the work, making time for your partner, and trying to be emotionally vulnerable with them. But regardless of what you do, they do not reciprocate. Instead, it feels like you are pulling teeth to get them to see you or text you back. They, in turn, do the bare minimum to keep you hooked.

This behavior is called breadcrumbing. The breadcrumber does as little as possible to keep their partner starving for attention, keeping them lukewarm until they decide that someone better has come along. Lack of effort can make you feel unappreciated and neglected, which can harm your self-esteem over time.

2. They flake on plans.

If you have plans set with an inconsistent partner at a specific time, they often will go silent the day that you have said plans, cancel at the last minute, or, worse, not show up. Having your partner flake on you is hurtful because it demonstrates that you cannot depend on them. This feeling can cause you to lose faith in your relationship.

Making plans is the equivalent of making a promise. The pattern of breaking promises is harmful in a relationship because it shows you cannot trust that your partner will be there for you. If they cannot show up during the small moments, what will happen during the big ones? 

Very often, their frequent cancelations are the tip of the iceberg. If your partner is canceling your plans or standing you up, you will likely find that they are breaking other promises in your relationship, more serious ones.

3. Their words don’t match their actions.

They say, “I love you,” but treat you like an afterthought. They call you their partner but refuse to open up to you or lean on you in their time of need or be there for you when you need them. They say they want to spend more time with you, but they are always busy, and you rarely see them or even hear from them. 

They make lofty promises with a lack of a concrete plan or any real ability to hold up to the promises. 

They tell you exactly what you want to hear. But as nice as their words sound, the inevitable mismatch between their words and actions, their lack of follow-through, only leaves you disappointed and increasingly frustrated. 

4. They are hot and cold.

Some days, your partner may “show up,” showering you with love and being everything you want and more. On other days, however, they may give you the cold shoulder and seem to forget you exist. In some cases, your partner may go through these shifts over the course of a day, where everything is good until it isn’t, and you are left confused about why your partner has suddenly gone cold on you. 

As a result, you feel like you have to walk on eggshells in order to avoid upsetting your partner. But despite your best efforts, you continue to come up short because what is driving your partner to shut you out is well beyond your control. You just haven’t realized it yet. 

5. They don’t introduce you to their friends and family and have no intention of doing so.

You have been in a relationship with your partner for a while now, but you have yet to meet your partner’s friends, family, or anyone significant in their life. Similarly, when they talk about plans for the future, it does not sound like you are a part of those plans. This behavior suggests that they do not see you as a long-term prospect or are serious about you or your relationship. 

What should you do if you have an inconsistent partner?

When dealing with an inconsistent partner, you may worry that it spells the end of the relationship. However, it need not be the case. There are ways to work on your relationship or at least ascertain whether the behavior you are experiencing is indeed the mark of a disinterested partner. 

1. Communicate

The first step in handling any conflict in a relationship is communication. Your partner cannot read your mind, and they may not even be aware that you are dissatisfied. So, talk to them about it. Some people are naturally flaky, but if they are willing to work on their behavior once you alert them to it, it is often a good sign.

As you have your conversation, be sure to frame your words in a non-accusatory fashion. You don’t want to put your partner on the defensive; you are partners, not rivals. You need to work together to solve problems in your relationship.

2. Set an example as a consistent partner.

Be a role model of consistency to demonstrate your expectations to your partner. To that end, set realistic expectations, remain true to your word, and be there for your partner when they need you. Be honest and direct when their behavior is anything less than what you deserve.

3. Keep putting effort into the relationship

Spend quality time with your partner to further strengthen your bond. If your partner responds well to the effort you are putting into the relationship, don’t pull back even though you may be inclined to see if your partner will be happy with less. 

Pulling back may make you appear inconsistent, which could then make your partner insecure in the relationship. Relationships require effort from both partners.

4. Seek guidance from a relationship counselor or dating coach.

If your efforts are still not working, you can always turn to a couples counselor or dating coach. An experienced professional can help facilitate communication and advise you about what strategies to implement in your relationship that will create stability, causing you and your partner to each feel more comfortable and secure.

Final thoughts …

If your partner is resistant to making improvements in your relationship, then you should start thinking about looking for a partner elsewhere. Your relationship should be a source of support for you to grow as a human — with your partner and as an individual. A romantic relationship should also be enjoyable. 

When you have an inconsistent person in your life, one you can never rely on, their inconsistency becomes the only thing you can rely on. So ask yourself: Is that the relationship I want?