We were all taught in grade school that if you did something wrong, like push a kid on the playground during recess, you would have to say you’re sorry. If such a situation occurred, the teacher probably pulled you aside to tell you why you were wrong, then led you over to your crying classmate so you could then tell them how sorry you were and why you knew what you did was wrong. Maybe after, you hugged it out and split a cookie at lunch. You might even be friends today. 

In relationships, however, conflict resolution isn’t so simple. In every relationship, whether it’s with friends, family, or your romantic partner, at one point or another, you will have some sort of disagreement. And, though this might come as a shock, sometimes you will be the one in the wrong, even if you weren’t wrong or as wrong to start.  

In the heat of the moment, you might have said hurtful things that you recognized either at the time or sometime afterward were wrong and perhaps didn’t mean. Still, you couldn’t resist saying them because the words felt so good coming out. Now your partner is hurt and not speaking to you. To make matters worse, unlike when you were kids, today, there’s no teacher around to help. You want to apologize but don’t know how. So what can you do to mend fences without angering them more? 

Don’t say “I’m sorry” until you mean it. 

While our teachers in grade school were well-intentioned when they taught us that we should say we’re sorry and explained to us why we were wrong, an unfortunate consequence is that many people have learned to say they’re sorry without fully understanding why they should be sorry. Clearly, your partner is angry with you because they’re acting cold and won’t talk to you. But do you know why they’re angry? 

Your instinct might be to resolve your conflict as quickly as possible; you don’t want your partner to be mad at you, after all, and you want to return to their good graces. Though this might seem counterintuitive at first, a better approach is to not immediately say you’re sorry unless you understand why you’re wrong. Otherwise, your apology will come off as disingenuous, like that kid on the playground who was coaxed into apologizing by the teacher, the result of which is having a partner who’s even more upset with you. 

Instead, take some time to process your thoughts and emotions. 

Instead, you should take time to process your emotions and the conflict that just transpired between you and your partner. Ask yourself, what is this conflict really about? Is your partner mad about this one isolated incident? Or is there a larger foundational problem at play in your dispute? Is this a brand new argument, or one you have had many times before? Take this time to introspect and understand why your partner is upset. Once you understand why you’re wrong, you have the makings of an effective apology. 

In the heat of an argument, when emotions run high, it’s inevitable that you will say things you don’t mean. So taking time apart to introspect also buys you time to decrease tensions. You need to be clear and levelheaded to make a meaningful apology so that you can deliberate on which words to say and which ideas to present. Additionally, you also provide your partner with time to calm down and think about the conflict on their own terms so that when you do return with an apology, they will be more receptive to hearing you out, as you each have had that chance to think about what went wrong in your conflict. 

Practice empathy. 

To understand where you went wrong in your conflict, you need to understand first the conflict from your partner’s perspective. So put yourself in their shoes.  

Ask yourself: How would I feel if this happened to me? Would I be so easily forgiving? What would I need from them to be forgiving? How much time might I need? Is it possible that they won’t want or be able to forgive me?  

With a more empathetic understanding of the situation, you can more effectively grasp the conflict and formulate a plan to resolve it. Potentially, that is. 

“Sorry” is a complete sentence, so no “buts.” 

The way you say you’re sorry is just as significant as the act of saying sorry. It’s very likely that your partner also said hurtful things to you, whether before the dispute or during it, or you otherwise disagree with how they’ve conducted themselves, which might have been what caused your conflict in the first place. Meaning that, to some degree, your partner was also wrong, too, to some degree.  

That said, apologies are about taking accountability for your own wrongdoing, not shedding light on where your partner went wrong. Your apology is actually the very worst time to redirect blame at your partner, as this will likely make them even angrier and less receptive to an apology in the future.  

If you don’t point blame, you might find that your partner will have some sort of apology of their own to offer. Should they not, you will have to make a decision. And that is whether you will be OK with the fact that you were the far bigger jerk in your conflict and forgive their degree of wrongdoing. That said, if your relationship is defined by the broader trend of you always being the one to apologize and your partner never apologizing, regardless of wrongdoing, you may need to reevaluate your relationship on those grounds. 

Once you do apologize, be prepared for them not to forgive you quite yet — or ever. 

Saying you’re sorry is not a cure for conflict in relationships. Instead, it’s a gesture of goodwill that needs to be followed up with an effort by you to help repair what’s been broken in your relationship —  by you. Despite the time and steps you’ve taken, it might be too soon for your partner to move on from the conflict. Or your partner might accept your apology but still need space. 

 Regardless of what your partner says, refrain from having a tantrum because you’re not getting exactly what you want and reneging on your apology. This applies whether your partner says they aren’t ready to forgive you quite yet, or if they don’t apologize for anything they might have done to contribute to the conflict. You can, however, ask if there’s anything they would like you to clarify about your apology, or if they have any questions. 

 If your partner isn’t ready to forgive you, give them space to heal. Demonstrate your love and respect for them by honoring their wishes. Show them that you’ve learned from your conflict by making any necessary changes in yourself. And, most of all, recognize that giving a true apology means also expecting nothing in return, not even a guarantee that the relationship you’re trying to repair will be repaired.  

Final thoughts … 

 It often takes a “big” person to apologize, to admit that you’ve wronged someone. Indeed, not just the act of apologizing but the reasons why you behaved as you did can be difficult to face on numerous levels.  

 But from difficult situations can also come growth. And understanding. Including whether the relationship you’re in is the right one for you now or as time goes on. Which is a realization you should never apologize for exploring.