Single, married, or somewhere in between (hey, it can be complicated), you have probably heard the term “love language” thrown around. Heck, love languages are even a prompt on the dating Hinge. However, many people still do not know exactly what love languages are, and why they are important in relationships.

In his 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” author Gary Chapman explains patterns he noticed in couple’s counseling, in which couples fundamentally misinterpret each other’s actions, specifically how they express love for each other, as well as what they expect in their partner’s expression of love for them. He refers to these expressions as love languages. 

According to Chapman, there are five love languages we may speak, some at the same time. This potentially makes identifying and understanding them more confusing and the need for his research as important as ever. 

What are the love languages?

The five love languages, says Chapman, are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gift-giving, and acts of service. Each of them is characterized by a specific type of behavior.

Physical touch means that you express love and affection physically. This love language is not limited to sex; it includes a variety of physical actions, such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, and massages, as well as simple physical contact. An effective way to express love to someone who values physical touch could include a night in, watching Netflix on the couch and sitting with your legs wrapped around each other, or holding hands.

Quality time means that you value spending time with people you care about. This does not mean that you desire to spend as much time as possible with your partner; instead, it means that the time that you do spend together is high quality. What you value is the attention you get from your partner as you spend time together. So, an ideal date would be doing anything, as long as you and your partner are together and engaging in conversations that help you feel heard and wanted.

If your love language is words of affirmation, you verbalize your love and praise for your partner. For instance, you may regularly compliment your partner and tell them you love them, regularly send loving messages to your partner, letting them know you are thinking of them, as well as send love letters.

When gift-giving is your love language, you express affection through gift-giving. These gifts do not need to be expensive, as the expression of love stems from the thought put into the gift, not from the price of the gift itself. For major occasions, such as birthdays and holidays, you may put lots of thought into the gifts you give your partner, and may even give your partner small gifts on random occasions to let them know that you saw this item and thought of them.

Acts of service mean that you express your appreciation and love by helping out your partner. When this is your love language, you may run errands, help out around the house, or do other nice things to help your partner. When your partner does things to help you out, it may help you feel appreciated.

Why are love languages important?

The theory of love languages is built upon the understanding that we each express our love differently. So, in a relationship, if your partner does not speak your love language and there is no understanding of love languages, conflict and resentment can build up in a relationship. However, it may not be the case that your partner does not love you, but that you each speak different love languages and simply need to work on your communication to express love for each other in a way that you both can understand.

By using each other’s love languages, you can develop a deeper understanding of each other and work toward making each other feel loved in your relationship. When you discuss languages with each other, you may open up with each other and communicate ways to help improve your love and intimacy in your relationship, which can have long-term benefits in helping you feel closer to each other.

Furthermore, the love languages add a sense of meaning to your actions. When you act without love languages, you may intuitively express love in a way that only you would subconsciously understand to mean you love your partner. But when you consider from their perspective what love is and looks like, then the actions you take to express love in a way for them to understand require that your loving actions are deliberate.

This means that using the love languages in your relationship requires empathy, as you need to consider from your partner’s perspective what would make them feel loved in your relationship. So, when you take action to demonstrate love in your relationship, you may consider using your partner’s love language instead of your own. However, try not to keep score of each love language action your partner takes, as they may not necessarily express their love for you in your language, still using their own language.

How to determine your love language

There are several questions you can ask yourself that can help you determine your love language. Basic questions to start with include: “What can my partner do to help me feel appreciated in our relationship?” or “What do I do to express my love for my partner?” You may ask yourself whether you like when your partner calls you out of the blue to tell you they love you, randomly cook you a nice dinner, surprise you with a sentimental gift, spend a weekend away with you, or hold your hand as you go for a walk together.

More comprehensively, there are tests online to help you determine your love language. To learn your partner’s love language, you may observe the way your partner acts with you, and what they do to demonstrate their appreciation for you. You can also ask them about their love language outright. If they do not know their love language, a fun romantic activity could be taking an online love language test together. Then, you can apply those results to your relationship to help foster feelings of mutual love and appreciation. 

And have the relationship you always imagined.