At one point or another, we’ve all been ghosted, as in had a person in our lives seem to vanish into thin air. Whether the culprit was the HR person at a company after three rounds of interviews, that one friend who’s impossible to tie down for plans but pops up now and again asking to get together, or the romantic interest who you were sure was “the one,” ghosting seems to have become an inevitable part of life. 

Whatever the situation, the common denominator is wondering why someone would ghost in the first place and whether we, the ghostee, did something to cause it. Delving deeper, there’s yet another layer to ghosting that victims of it often ponder: whether the person who ghosted felt guilty about it. Research says yes, but perhaps not for the reasons you might think — or hope.   

Are there guilty ghosters?

In a 2021 article, researchers Gili Freedman, Darcey N. Powell, Benjamin Le, and Kipling D. Williams extensively explored the reasons for and impacts of ghosting on ghosters and ghostees. The article revealed that many people choose to ghost because it appears to be a less confrontational approach to ending a relationship. 

Ghosters and ghostees agreed that ghosting might spare the ghostee’s feelings. However, the study also found that individuals who are ghosted often experience distress, decreased self-esteem, and feeling out of control in their relationships. Other findings suggest that ghostees might develop mistrust in future relationships due to internalizing the negative feelings that arise when one is ghosted.

Moreover, the researchers found that ghosters were likelier to express negative emotions like guilt as opposed to the hurt and sadness ghostees felt. Some ghosters felt relief depending on the kind of relationship they were in and their reasons for breaking it off. But many ghosters felt guilty for doing so, too, both at the time of ghosting and when the study was conducted (after they had ghosted the person in question). Evidently, guilt does factor into some ghosters’ reflections on ghosting.

In another 2021 study conducted by Jhanelle Oneika Thomas and Royette Tavernier Dubar, researchers found that, while guilt was fleeting for some, others felt guilt more often when they had a close relationship with the ghostee, particularly when they were required to be in close physical proximity with the person. 

However, they also found that the guilt only lasted so long for the ghosters; eventually, it was “out of sight, out of mind” for them. Bottom line: Some ghosters feel guilt about their actions, but research suggests that they typically move on from the guilt once they no longer have contact with the ghostee.

Does gender affect feelings of remorse toward ghosting?

Though safety was a major reason cited for respondents who ghosted, it was unclear the extent that gender played in influencing them to make that choice. Women tend to perceive more risk in relationships than men due to gender violence. These perceptions can affect women’s choices in dating and sexual encounters. Still, research on ghosting was not conclusive on whether gender was a determining factor for ghosting or feelings toward it.

Generally speaking, concerns about violence — including gender violence — and safety can lead people to ghost partners if they perceive them as violent or threatening. In these cases, the ghoster generally does not feel guilty and is instead interested in avoiding toxic or harmful situations. There was less guilt in these circumstances, as the ends — keeping oneself from a perceived threat — justified their means. In a nutshell, the research suggests that ghosting is more appealing when safety is at risk but that the role of gender in this preference remains unclear.

Health and seriousness of the relationship

The health and seriousness of the relationship also affected how guilty a ghoster felt after ghosting. For instance, respondents reported a general lack of interest as a significant perceived reason someone might ghost. This reaction was often within the context of casual dating or hookups. For more casual relationships, there was less concern for the ghostee. Some people had no desire to re-initiate a relationship, so ghosting was the easiest option.

For more serious relationships, ghosters felt that ghosting would not be appropriate. Researchers found that a “personal” discussion was significantly less favorable for a casual relationship than avoidance strategies like ghosting. Ghosters had no guilt over ghosting in these circumstances.

The health of the relationship was also an integral factor that influenced guilt. If a relationship was toxic, or respondents wanted to disengage from “unpleasant,” “uncomfortable,” or “unhealthy” situations, they felt their actions were justified and felt less guilty than peers who were in healthy relationships.

Mental health of the ghoster

Though disinterest is a major reported perceived reason for ghosting, other factors related to the mental health of the ghoster are also prevalent in research. One theme that emerged in research was safety concerns from the ghoster. In some cases, ghosters felt like they would be putting themselves at risk by re-engaging with a toxic relationship or person if they continued to keep contact with them. By ghosting, they were attempting to preserve their mental (and physical, in some cases) health.

Another prevalent theme was a fear of intimacy or vulnerability. Some respondents did not have the interpersonal skills necessary to set boundaries healthily or end a relationship, so they chose to ghost instead of directly communicating. For other ghosters with anxiety or other fears, this was amplified. A desire to reduce or entirely avoid conflict was a frequently reported reason.

Additionally, low self-esteem or confidence in interpersonal communication was also a reason some ghosters reported ghosting. For those ghosters, their feelings toward themselves, rather than concepts like intimacy, prevented them from discussing their relationship with the ghostee.

What can you do if you’ve been ghosted?

If you’ve been ghosted, you might feel like your future relationships are destined to end the same way. But that doesn’t have to be true. Instead of thinking of being ghosted as a sign of personal failing, think of it as a reflection on the person who ghosted you. They likely were either anxious about discussing your relationship or lacked the skills to do so. In some cases, they might have even felt like they were protecting you.

Though this doesn’t help lessen the sting of being ghosted, you can address the sensation that you’ve lost control of your dating life or have taken a hit to your self-esteem in several ways. For starters, it might be helpful to think about how your ghoster likely still experiences guilt in some capacity. Though it differs from person to person, keeping this in mind can validate your feelings that you’ve been wronged and remind you that you weren’t merely forgotten.

Healthily processing the negative emotions you experience from being ghosted is a significant first step toward healing. You can also engage in activities that boost your confidence — talk to trusted loved ones and friends, seek professional therapy, if necessary, engage in your favorite pastimes, hobbies, or activities, and continue to put yourself out there and date.

Final thoughts …

Being ghosted can be difficult, but you can overcome the challenges this jolting experience brings by considering that your ghoster probably feels (or felt) poorly about their actions. Next, remember that the myriad of reasons why someone might have ghosted you reflect more on them than you. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, with time, space, and therapy, eventually, just like the ghoster, the hurt you experience will also likely disappear.