The journey from loss due to the death of a spouse to new love is not a linear one. Whether you are young or old(er), no two people’s paths to love will be the same, nor will two loves. 

If you’re ready to date following your spouse’s death or are already dating, it doesn’t mean you love your spouse any less or don’t miss them. It also doesn’t mean you won’t forever grieve your spouse’s absence or have days when you feel sad. What it does mean is that you’ve made the very personal decision to honor your spouse’s life by continuing to live yours. 

That said, dating after the death of your spouse won’t come without its challenges. Here’s what you should know.   

Grieving and Healing 

Following the loss of a spouse, it can feel impossible to know where you begin and your grief ends. Though it is said grieving is a process with five distinct stages of grief, it’s not something you graduate from but, instead, learn to live with and manage. Therefore, everyone’s readiness — whether to go to lunch with friends, attend a support group, travel, begin to date (more about this below), or do anything else that might appear small but feel like you’re moving mountains — will vary. That’s because we’re all changed by loss.    

As a person who’s experienced the loss of a spouse, not only will it be important to give yourself time to grieve, but it will also be important to rediscover who you are post-loss. There are many ways to do this: introspection, therapy, time, and experimentation. What you valued before the loss of your spouse may very well differ now. The same can be said about how you spend your time. You’re in the driver’s seat, and no one can tell you what feels right. This includes your readiness for dating. 

Timing and Readiness for Dating 

Dating after a loss is a big adjustment. Not only because you miss your partner and may have a tendency, at least early on, to measure everyone you meet against your late spouse, but also because, depending on how long you were married, you may not have dated for a while. 

Aside from a lack of familiarity with modern dating, you may also experience guilt about dating someone new, even if your spouse gave you their blessing during their lifetime. This is natural. When it comes to dating after the loss of a spouse, there’s no right or wrong way to feel, and emotions can run the gamut. Not to mention, well-meaning people, and perhaps those not so well-meaning, may think it their place to weigh in on when to date and whom. 

Successfully dating after a loss will, in many ways, be a function of how adept you are, or become, at overcoming any guilt you may have about seeing someone romantically other than your spouse and managing society’s expectations of what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Again, your best bet is to do what feels right to you. Remember, it’s your life; only you know how you feel.  

Navigating Online Dating as a Widow or Widower

Now, if you haven’t been “out there” for some time, the dating landscape has likely changed for you. Dating sites and apps may seem foreign. But, the good news is, they’re generally easy to maneuver once you get the hang of it. There are also professionals like myself who can guide you, including helping you to write a compelling online dating profile. 

Creating an online dating profile that communicates to potential matches your best qualities does take some effort, and the more you put in, typically, the better you’ll do online. And by better, the thought is not just the number of matches you get but the quality of them. 

For the best results, work on writing an online dating profile that’s both information-rich and interesting to read. In other words, it should embrace your uniqueness through details and story-telling. Especially as someone who’s lost a spouse, it’s valuable to be genuine about your experience. For example, if you were happily married, communicate in your profile that you were but are now looking for someone to share your next chapter with. 

Remember, you may not find that person right away, as online dating is very much a numbers game, one that’s played far better when you engage regularly with the dating site you’re on. So manage your expectations, understanding that finding love, like navigating grief, is very much a process filled with ups and downs. Be open, but set your boundaries, guarding your heart and every other part of you. 

Meeting New People 

It’s very common to have first-date jitters, especially when starting to date after having lost a spouse. You may worry about a multitude of details, most notably what to expect and what to talk about. You may also be inclined to talk about your late spouse, which is fine if you’re comfortable with it, but don’t feel compelled to share personal details if you’re not. It’s generally best to stick with get-to-know-you-type questions for the first few dates because most dates don’t transition into relationships. 

If someone is pressing you for personal details about anything, including your late spouse, recognize at a very basic level you’re incompatible and that this type of behavior is a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. You don’t owe anyone anything, including conversation, and are free to move on as you choose.

Building Healthy Relationships Following the Death of Your Spouse 

When you find someone you like and both express interest in exploring a relationship together, do so at a pace that’s comfortable for you and the person you’re dating. Healthy relationships are about mutual respect and honoring each other, including the memories and experiences you each had before meeting.   

There are likewise issues unique to those dating after the death of a spouse, and welcoming each other and your families into your lives can be a delicate matter. But with care, it can be done, and there can be new beginnings while still honoring the past and bringing elements of that past into the future. 

Final Thoughts …

Embracing love after loss is a choice, a choice you don’t have to make, but one, when you’re ready, can enhance your life. No one can ever replace the person and love you lost, but through new love, you can find hope, strength, and happiness again.