It’s so easy to point a finger and say the reason why you aren’t coupled is because of someone else, because of something other people do or don’t do. But is that always the case? 

Sometimes, it’s important to turn the mirror on yourself to see if it’s the behavior you’re engaging in that’s causing you to have one failed dating encounter after another. One of the biggest culprits I’ve found causing undesirable dating results is inflexibility. 

A major part of being in a healthy relationship is how willing each person is to compromise. That said, compromising shouldn’t translate to being a pushover and always giving in to what the other person wants. But it does mean, at times, putting your partner’s wants and needs before your own or not always getting your way.  

Because the truth is, if you can’t be accommodating during the dating stage, you’ll likely never get to the relationship stage. Or at least the relationship stage where you’re in a healthy relationship. Even worse, there will always be toxic relationships to accommodate unhealthy behaviors.    

It’s one thing to be on a strict schedule when it involves kids, work, or some big life commitment. Obviously, you can’t be at the mercy of someone else. But it shouldn’t always be like this. If it is, it likely has something to do with having an inflexible mindset as it pertains to your dating life.  

Don’t believe me? Then check yourself. Here is what that inflexible dating behavior could look like.  

1. You get annoyed if the person you’re dating deviates from your plan.  

You choose a restaurant or other dating spot, for example, and the other person makes an alternative suggestion. If you’re the person who becomes easily annoyed, even scraps all the plans as a result, simply because you can’t bear to make the extra effort to find a new place or otherwise inconvenience yourself, consider the message you’re sending out into the universe or, rather, the dating pool. And that is, you’re inflexible, to say the least. Maybe even selfish or self-centered. 

If you’re not willing to break old patterns for something as mundane as a reservation or meeting spot, what else won’t you be willing to roll within your life? Speaking of which … 

2. You react badly to the unexpected.  

The airlines cancel a flight, one of you misses a train, there’s a last-minute emergency. You name it; it could happen. The reality is there are some challenges you just can’t avoid or control. But what you can control is how you react, even to the most challenging among them.  

It may mean making certain concessions or last-minute changes. But more than that, it demands showing empathy and compassion for others. When you’re consistently inflexible as problems arise, it sends yet another message to anyone you’re involved with, and that is, you don’t care. Not about them, not about anything. Except for yourself, that is. Now, be honest, would you want to date that person? 

3. You find fault in everyone.  

Think “Seinfeld.” And Jerry specifically, who came up with the most incredible reasons to break up with the women he dated.  

It’s one thing to be focused on the kind of person you’re looking for — someone whose lifestyle is similar to yours, is serious-minded about finding a partner, and wants the same type of relationship as you do. It’s another to break up with a woman because she has big hands, as Jerry chose to. 

With Jerry in mind, look back on the reasons why you ended relationships, even brief ones. Was it for a real reason or because yet another person didn’t fit the mold you created in your head of the perfect partner? Your answer may very well reveal that you, like Jerry Seinfeld, are an inflexible dater, someone who won’t deviate from the unrealistic expectations you’ve set for yourself and others.  

What your inflexibility may say about you … 

Now for the hard part. It’s time to ask yourself: Why am I so inflexible? 

The main reasons I’ve witnessed why daters are so rigid in their behaviors come down to two. The first is that they are controlling. The second is that they are emotionally unavailable; they say they want a relationship but do everything in their power to prevent this from happening. The reasons why can vary and may require further exploration by you.  

Therefore, if either of these reasons fit you, it’s probably time to do some soul-searching, maybe even get someone to help you modify your behaviors. A mental health professional can help with the big stuff like the whys, while a dating coach like myself can assist with tips and strategies to become a better, more polished dater.  

Keep in mind that the first step toward more promising dating experiences will be yours, the one where you commit to making positive changes in your life. From there, your love life will follow.