Talk to any single woman who’s “on the apps,” dating apps that is, and she’s probably got stories to tell. Looking at the glass half full, some of them will be good. She found a great guy. She went on a fun date. She found a one-in-a-million friend and life partner. Others, well, they’re likely not going to be that good. In fact, they can be downright scary. It’s why “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups are popping up all across the country, maybe in your neck of the woods, too. Their purpose? To protect women.  

But from what?  

The answers run the gamut: from dating a married guy or one who’s cheating on his girlfriend. The scammer. The one who’s living a double life. The one who doesn’t respect boundaries. The one who’s cheap, weird, obnoxious, abusive, has a criminal record of violence against women, suffers from a personality disorder, or is, for whatever reason, undesirable.  

The groups are comprised of women only, and to be admitted, one must understand the group’s rules thoroughly, typically demonstrated by rewriting a few of the rules in one’s own words. These rules are not just guidelines either; they are the backbone of each group’s mission to protect women. Rules include not sharing posts with nonmembers, especially with any of the men named, given how doing so could create safety issues, and not making fun of men. Posts and comments are supposed to be for informational purposes only.   

Many men know about these groups and don’t like them. According to a recent Washington Post article, the groups have sparked numerous lawsuits, citing damage caused to those named in the group, ranging from job loss to reputational damage. Whether the groups will continue to go on the way they are without additional constraints placed on them remains to be seen. But for now, new groups and their membership numbers are growing not just steadily but quickly.  

As a woman, it’s easy to understand the reasons behind creating these Facebook groups. After all, dating can be dangerous at times, even if you take every safety precaution. However, these Facebook groups are controversial, with good reason. So, if you decide to join a “Are We Dating the Same Guy Facebook?” group, here are a few issues to think about.   

Are you doing enough to keep yourself safe while dating? 

If you are dating, regardless of where you were introduced to your date (online, organically in real life, or through someone you know), it is imperative that you exercise caution when dating. That means not letting your guard down. It is your life you are talking about — your safety as well as potentially that of your family.  

First and foremost, listen to your gut. This safety precaution comes above all others, even if everything checks out on paper. Next, vet your dates. Vetting your dates entails numerous acts: exchanging messages over a dating platform if you meet on one, and communicating over text message, phone, and video chat. You can also ask other single friends if they know who your date is. Google them. If you want, peruse the “Are We Dating the Same Guy” group or groups in your area. 

If you decide to set a date, be sure to meet in a public place, let someone know where you are going and who you are meeting, and, if you move locations, keep someone responsible in your life informed. Most importantly, if something doesn’t feel right during the date, end the date politely and leave. 

The possibility that a man could be the victim of a jilted ex.  

Now, as valuable as information from a “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups can be, it’s important to consider the veracity of the information based on where it’s coming from. Many of the people posting about their experiences with a particular guy will be happy to chat with you in more detail about their experience, sometimes volunteering to do so without you having to ask. It’s, therefore, up to you to determine if they are telling the truth. 

Unfortunately, there are women who use these groups to see if their own husbands or boyfriends are cheating or to badmouth a guy they dated because the relationship didn’t work out as they wanted it to. There could also be situations in which a commitment was never clarified but the woman assumed there was one when there wasn’t and now she’s angry at the guy because she believes he led her on.  

This last situation reflects yet another reason why it’s so important to have a conversation about intentions in dating and where your relationship stands currently before making decisions about whether to continue the relationship, engage in sexual activity, meet each other’s families, or elevate the relationship in a way it doesn’t deserve. Sometimes “a sign” means nothing to the person assumed to be giving one. Use your words, and make sure the person you’re dating uses theirs. 

Not letting yourself become jaded about dating. 

Reading about all of the bad experiences women experience daily on dates or in their relationships isn’t exactly uplifting. If you join any of these “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups, you may find there are more of these negative types of posts than those vouching for a guy because someone dated them or worked with them. These positive posts do exist, by the way, and they are refreshing.  

They are also a reminder that there are good guys out there of all ages. Guys looking to have a meaningful relationship. Guys who will treat a woman well. Guys who are kind, generous, smart, respectful, active, well-groomed, ambitious, like to travel, and, most of all, would be happy to meet a woman who possesses all of these qualities, too.