There is a lot of talk about how people are looking for long-term relationships or a partner who otherwise satisfies their goals. With that comes advice on how to get your partner to commit to a label and stick around.  

As part of these discussions, a seeming rite of passage in dating is, after a couple of grueling months of hot-and-cold from a would-be partner, to have the DTR (define the relationship) conversation, only to be told that the other person is looking for “something casual.” Which, in turn, may lead you to a reckoning with yourself, where you question: Are casual relationships ever OK?  

As with most dating questions, the answer is it depends. Mainly, on you.  

What is a casual relationship? 

There is no all-encompassing definition of casual relationships, as they can vary wildly between each casual relationship. Instead, casual relationships can only be defined by what they are not: serious. A serious relationship, based on common sense, would include seeing each other regularly, emotional and physical intimacy, labels and exclusivity, and the eventual prospects of meeting friends and family, moving in together, maybe getting married, and otherwise intertwining lives. 

A casual relationship is not that. Some casual relationships may possess a number of these features, but people in casual relationships are often more physically oriented, keep their lives separate, and do not see each other as frequently as one would in a serious relationship. Additionally, casual relationships may not necessarily be exclusive. Several types of relationship arrangements, such as dating situationships, friends-with-benefits, and the booty call, all fall under the umbrella of casual relationships. 

Are casual relationships ever OK? 

If you typically walk into relationships looking for a long-term partner, you might wonder how other people are not looking for that. However, we all have different needs and goals at different times in our lives, so a serious relationship might not be suitable for everyone always. Maybe not even you at some point.  

For instance, you might be career-oriented or getting a degree, so you anticipate not having time for something serious. You might already know that you will not be living in the same city a year from today and, therefore, do not want to commit to someone where you currently live. Alternatively, you might be happy with your life the way it is and simply not want to put in the effort to maintain a serious relationship, as relationships can be a lot of work at times. Or, you might not be emotionally available, whether you have gone through a breakup, divorce, or experienced some other event that has made you unable to commit to someone else emotionally at this time. The reasons are endless.  

Not surprisingly, there are many people who benefit from a casual arrangement rather than something serious. Hence, why it seems like everyone has had that experience of being told by their potential partner they are looking for “something casual.”  

So is a casual relationship something to be desired? The short answer is yes. We are all free to live our lives however we please, and if that includes seeking something casual, then so be it. There is also a long answer: similar to serious relationships, casual relationships only work with the proper precautions, communication, and respect between partners. 

How to Successfully Cultivate a Casual Relationship 

There is a right way and a righter way to have a casual relationship, one in which both partners’ feelings are a consideration. Here are a few tips about how to get started.  

Be clear about your intentions. 

If you are looking for something casual, be upfront about it. You don’t want to lead the other person on, allowing them to develop feelings for you and decide to continue to see you because they are hopeful for a commitment, while you know you don’t want one. This means telling the other person very early on that you don’t want anything serious, so they can decide accordingly whether to end the relationship.  

You may find the other person is looking for something casual, too. If this is the case, be sure to maintain an open line of communication for the duration of your relationship. If you or your partner begin to develop feelings for each other, you need to be forthcoming with that information so they and you can act with that information in mind. As in agreeing to redefine the relationship to make it more serious, or moving on. 

Establish clear boundaries.  

What dynamic works most effectively between you and your partner? Are you trying to meet with your partner weekly, biweekly, or for a sporadic date every now and then? When you do meet up, what are you comfortable with? Is your relationship purely physical, or are you okay with also hanging out with your partner?  

What will the protocol be if either of you becomes emotionally entrenched? At what time will you share this information? What will the next steps be? 

Also, be sure to define your physical boundaries in addition to your emotional ones. These can include what you are OK doing during sex, as well as whether you are comfortable with cuddling, spending the night, grabbing food, or whatever else you envision your after-sex protocol will be. 

Get tested regularly and use protection.  

Some casual relationships might be exclusive to minimize the risk of contracting STIs. However, the general appeal of casual relationships for many is the lack of exclusivity. In other words, you can sleep with your partner, but you also have the freedom to sleep with other people, too.  

The downside is that you increase your risk of contracting STIs. Therefore, it is critical for you to each disclose if you have STIs, when you last got tested, how many sexual partners you have had since you last got tested, whether you have used protection with those partners, as well as if you are on birth control (if applicable). Not to mention, what your protocol will be while you are both involved. 

Be respectful.  

Sure, you are not committed to the person you are sleeping with, but that is not an excuse to treat them with disrespect. To be a good sexual partner, you need to be considerate of the other person’s happiness, both in and out of the bedroom. For example, don’t push them out the door as soon as you’re done having sex. That is unless you have explicitly discussed with your partner that you are both OK with one partner immediately leaving.  

Additionally, sending mixed signals to your partner and otherwise not being clear and consistent about your intentions can confuse your partner. So avoid leading them on and dangling a relationship like a carrot to keep them in bed with you. And, whatever you do, if you don’t want to pursue your relationship further, be sure not to ghost. It’s just mean. 

Final thoughts … 

With these tips, you have the tools to successfully cultivate and maintain a casual relationship that minimizes the chances one person will wind up hurt in the end, which is still always a risk. Because at the end of the day, casual relationships are still relationships, no matter how loaded — or unloaded — the term “relationship” might be in your mind.