When you're starting to date someone new, the topic of past relationships and exes will inevitably come up. No harm, no foul. Usually. Past relationships are part of who we are, especially when dating after divorce, as many singles over 50 are. But, and it's a big but, if the person you're dating reveals that they've recently gotten out of a relationship (or marriage), well, this may give you pause. And with good reason. At this point, you should be asking yourself the following question: Are they over their ex?

While you can ask them straight out, and the person you're asking can give you an emphatic yes, it doesn't mean they're actually over their ex. It doesn't necessarily mean they're a liar either; they just might not realize they haven't moved on yet.

So, instead of what they say, their behavior toward you and your budding relationship might be a more accurate barometer of how they feel. With this in mind, here are a few red flags to look out for when deciding whether you want to get involved with someone who may be coming to you with emotional baggage regarding an old flame.

They went through their breakup recently.

Upon the first mention of exes, it's common to ask when exactly the person you're dating broke up with theirs. If they got out of a long relationship within the past month or so, likely, they haven't had enough time to process the breakup.

A breakup or divorce involves a loss — a loss of a friend, lover, and partner. Because of that, many people go through the five stages of grief on their road to recovery. Grieving takes time, and people grieve at their own pace. Grieving is also an internal process during which the person suffering needs to first attend to themselves and their own needs. That will leave little time and mental space for you. 

The relationship moves too fast at first.

Grieving is painful and can feel unpleasant. To fast-track the grieving process, some people start dating before being ready, believing, usually erroneously, it will help them get over their ex quicker. These are the people who are prime candidates for getting into a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships rarely work out, especially for the person the brokenhearted rebounds with.

One of the most challenging parts of coming to terms with a breakup is losing the emotional depth a long-term relationship brings. The transition from having the opportunity to share your deepest feelings with someone who knows you better than anyone else to going back to asking someone where they're from and what their hobbies are can be jarring, if not frustrating.

A person who recently went through a breakup may want to simply cut to the chase and recapture that intimacy with someone new. They often do this by acting overly intimate and affectionate too soon. But here's the catch: there are no shortcuts when forming a relationship, and the rebounder will eventually realize you're not their ex and that it takes time to build the emotional depth they're seeking.

The relationship slows down as quickly as it started.

As the person you're dating realizes they cannot immediately recreate a long-term relationship and that you're not the same person as their ex, they typically pull away. Where, during the beginning, they showered you with love and praise, they're now putting up walls and creating distance.

Them doing an about-face can give you emotional whiplash and cause you to crave their attention even more. The push-pull can give rise to feelings of insecurity, never a sign of a healthy relationship.

Their ex is regularly a topic of conversation.

It's one thing for the person you're dating to mention their ex occasionally. For instance, if they're relevant to a story or something you were talking about or children are involved, it would make sense to hear the ex's name. But, if you find they bring their ex up all the time, or worse, they compare you to them, you should consider the possibility there's residual feeling there.

That goes for hatred, too. Hearing a love interest refer to their ex over and over again with contempt should alarm you as much as if they were continually reminiscing about the good old days. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.

They take no responsibility for the breakup.

When asking what caused the breakup, what's the answer? If the person you're dating says they both played a part, they've probably spent some time thinking about what went wrong and what their contribution was. This is a good sign they're ready to move on. On the other hand, if they blame the breakup solely on their ex, then most likely they're not.

Breakups, including those blamed on infidelity, for example, involve other factors besides the act of cheating itself. Once couples dig a little deeper, there are often specific reasons why one person in the marriage strayed. Sometimes both partners stray. Regardless, each person played a role in creating the atmosphere in the marriage.

The same holds for the myriad of other reasons why couples part, such as money, incompatibility, and the existence of a sexless marriage. If one person can't see how they contributed to the breakup, they're probably not mentally free of it.

What's your gut feeling?

Ultimately, you should trust your gut when deciding whether the person you're dating is over their last relationship. If you believe they're living in the past, they probably are. Which means it's time for you to move on, regardless if they do.