My clients come to me because they want a relationship. Most people do. As human beings, we're social creatures. We crave connection, and when we haven't had a romantic one for a while, we desire it, no matter how filled our lives are with friends, career, and hobbies. That's nature. 

Once we find a connection, we want to preserve it. Often, that proves problematic if we slip back into old ways — working too much, staying within ourselves, and just getting caught up in our own, let's say, mishigas. That's also nature. 

It's why we need to stay proactive about the romantic relationships we cherish — so our instincts don't take over and destroy what we have built or are in the process of building. To be clear, I'm not a fan of the expression "Relationships are hard work." It implies relationships are this tiring, draining experience. And let's face it, the prospect of having to work hard at something, something else, isn't always appealing.  

Instead, think of a relationship as a living organism that each partner needs to nurture and care for every day — in small amounts, little by little, and not in the same way. In other words, taking care of your relationship shouldn't feel like a daily chore but rather an experience you have, one that energizes you as much as you energize it.  

How do you do that? Visualize your relationship as a collection of touchpoints. None is more important than the other. However, for your relationship to survive, you must touch all of them regularly. If you miss one repeatedly, it can, over time, drain the rest and the relationship overall. Here are 17 touchpoints to consider.   

Prioritize your relationship. 

We hear this a lot, and it's excellent advice. However, I believe it can become a slippery slope, especially if you're trying to save a relationship. Yes, make your relationship a priority, but don't make it your only one. If you do, you will lose yourself, and at some point down the line, you — and your relationship — won't be able to withstand the burden anymore. 

Communicate.  

Pissed off your girlfriend left her towel on the bathroom floor? Angry that your boyfriend left his wine glass on the coffee table? Appreciate the birthday cake your wife baked for your birthday or the dinner your husband cooked last night? Tell them. If something's bothering you, get it out into the open. Don't fester about it, engage in passive-aggressive behavior with them, or take your frustration out on someone else or yourself. 

As I mentioned above in my examples, communication can also be positive, so if you have something nice to say, want to express your appreciation, love, or want to share about your day, go for it. Your partner wants to know they're a fundamental part of your life. And that includes all the elements of your life — the good, the bad, and the ugly.  

Listen.  

To communicate well, you need to listen well. When your partner shares with you, they're not only telling you what they picked up at the market or what happened that day at work. As they communicate, your partner gives you a glimpse into who they are. Between the lines, your partner will tell you what they care about and how they feel about you, life, and themselves. Pay attention. Listening shows you care. 

Argue. 

Do you think arguing shows you have problems in your relationship? Think again. Healthy couples disagree from time to time, and it doesn't have to be about something serious like that extra-long look your husband noticed you giving the trainer at the gym.  

A healthy argument could be about politics, whether you want to go to that dinner party on Saturday night, or about what color to paint the living room. When done positively and with respect (no name-calling or insults), arguing can strengthen a relationship. It's part of communicating.  

Give each other space. 

In a healthy relationship, both partners have their own lives. They're not on top of each other all the time. Each partner has friends and interests outside their relationship. Sometimes those friends and interests intersect; other times, they don't. 

If you're having an argument or your partner hurts your feelings, and you begin to lose control or perspective, take a step back from the situation. Get some air, go for a walk, or leave the room. Alone time can change the way the landscape looks.   

Have self-respect. 

One of the best ways to contribute to your relationship's health is to have self-respect. When you do, you're not afraid to stand up for yourself if necessary.  

You also are comfortable expressing your wants and needs in the relationship. You value yourself and communicate this to your partner. 

Respect your partner. 

No self-respecting person mistreats their partner. Abuse, physical, verbal, and emotional, comes from a place of self-loathing. If you find yourself mistreating your partner, ask yourself why. Not to mention, if you treat your parent with disrespect, why would you expect them to treat you any better? It's more likely they will come to resent or despise you.   

Treating your partner with indifference is not respecting your partner either. If you genuinely don't care about what they say or feel, or about being with them at all, give them the respect they deserve by either working on your relationship or leaving.  

Practice self-care.  

A person who has self-respect takes steps to care for themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Set aside time every day just for you. Meditate, journal, exercise, take a hot bath, make yourself a fantastic cup of coffee or a meal. Do whatever you love to do, even if it's for only a few minutes. It will do wonders for your attitude and enthusiasm for life.  

Connect with your partner. 

Make a point to connect with your partner daily. I know life gets crazy, and you can pass your spouse on the way to the kitchen without even looking up from your phone. Stay conscious not to do this. Check in with them often. Face your partner when you speak to them. Look into their eyes. Touch them when you talk. 

Be honest. 

Don't lie, period. Come to your partner from a place of honesty. White lies also count, as do lies of omissions. Causing feelings of doubt in your partner will only serve to undermine your relationship. 

Establish trust in your relationship. 

Honesty builds trust in a relationship. But remember not only to look for trust from your partner; show your partner they can trust you as well.  

Stand by your word. It's your most valued asset and what others will remember you for long after you're gone.   

Support your partner.  

Support is not the same as agreeing with your partner. You may think they won't get that promotion at work, believe they were the one at fault in an argument with a friend because of their overreaction, or won't sell that painting they've been working on for months. Your beliefs may turn out to be correct. It doesn't matter. 

Either way, you can still be a supportive partner. Be sure to encourage them to follow their ambitions and be empathetic about their feelings, making a concerted effort to understand why they feel as they do. Everyone wants to know their partner's in their corner.  

Don't go to bed mad. 

In any relationship, fights will occur. You will inevitably hurt your partner's feelings, and they will hurt yours. If you can't resolve the situation before bed, at least start the conversation about making that happen. Extending an olive branch and a good night's sleep go well together. 

Express love.  

Your partner may know you love them but tell them anyway. Often. The words can be affirming for both of you.  

Spend quality time together. 

That doesn't mean sitting on the couch with your partner while one of you watches TV and the other reads a book. Do something together. It can be a TV show or a movie if you're both engaged in it, especially now during a pandemic. 

Even better, go for a walk, a hike, or cook together so you can talk during the activity and catch up on life. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you're involved while you do it. 

Make time for intimacy. 

Sex is an essential part of most healthy relationships (I say most because there are exceptions: mutual agreement or illness, for example). Make time for sex. Schedule it if you have to, and if you aren't in the mood, give yourself a little push because you may get in the mood.  

Stay conscious about making your partner feel wanted. And if you're the one who's getting the cold shoulder, voice it. Your partner may not realize how the lack of intimacy in your relationship affects you. 

Forgive. 

Everyone makes mistakes, including in their relationship. However, sometimes, forgiveness for the past can take time. Be patient.  

If you feel your relationship is worth the effort, then when you're ready, apologize to your partner or accept an apology from them. Forgiveness, you see, is the highest form of love. "You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'" —Maya Angelou